Welcome back….I hope you’ve enjoyed this series so far. In case this is you first visit I would suggest reading Part I and then Part II before venturing into this last section.
In Part II we finished by discussing “trying” and to summarize:
Mental Weakness = Trying + Doubt = Failure
Mental Strength = Commitment + Action = Personal Success
Everyone experiences doubt. Everyone is afraid of failure. It is a choice as to whether you are committed to it or to success. If you commit to yourself and you feel times of doubt or even failure, train yourself to see these as moments to learn from and then keep moving forward. You cannot use these moments of doubt to commit to another outcome – failure.
Remember, there is no failure, only feedback; it just might not be the feedback you’re looking for.
Also, it’s not possible to be committed to everything. You need to make up a list of priorities and commit to these. If you try to commit to everything, again we all know this is not possible so failure enters into the equation. Trying to commit to everything and then failing leads to feelings of anxiety, stress, feeling overwhelmed and guilt.
Again…it is not possible to commit to everything. We must make choices. Trying to commit to everything is a form of gluttony, being unable to say no, not wanting to let others down, scared that saying no may make you lose the one opportunity you might get. These feelings are all about a mentality of scarcity. Scarcity is where you think this will never come along again so you have to grab it. Scarcity is built around a concept of being scared. It is just another form of fear and then failure.
According to studies in psychology were are able to keep on mind 7 (+/- 2) “things.” So, I would recommend that the maximum commitments you’d want to handle at onetime are 7.
Committing to success is fundamentally committing to yourself and this is the very first feeling of personal success.
And doesn’t that feel wonderful!
Contemplation
List the number one priority in your life that you are committed to right now.
- Should this be number one?
- How will you work out if this should be number one or not?
- Who is your support team?
- Do you believe 100% in them and trust them completely to support you?
- What are the ways in which your support team can support you?
Application
As human beings we are always committed to something. There is never a time, not even a split second, when we are not committed.
Now this is a big statement, so let’s test it.
You might say, “What about when I’m lying on the sofa watching television? I‘m not committed to anything then.” But I would reply that is exactly what you are committed to at that very moment: lying on the sofa watching television and doing nothing else!
Now let‘s dig a little deeper.
There could even be a stronger unconscious belief.
Consider this scenario: It is Saturday afternoon and you have a stack of work to complete by Monday. You know that to finish it on time, you will need to work on it all weekend. Instead, you’re lying on the sofa watching television. What might be your unconscious, in fact, your true commitment at that moment?
So you go see a coach and you and talk about this situation. You can‘t figure out why you have to work on weekends and you really don‘t like the company you work for. You even think your manager is uncaring and insensitive.
From my experience, the first step for me in listening to this story is that I cannot make any assumptions about this story or the outcome of it. I need to discuss with my client every statement they make. There are infinite possible commitments that may underlie their actions for lying on the sofa watching television, any commitment that they have not consciously chosen and unconscious belief that they may be committing to instead.
Of course, the challenge is that we are often not aware of what that unconscious belief is at the time. We have amazingly creative reasons for why we lie on the sofa and they always seem so “true.” We even make sure we have friends around us who agree with our reasons: “Oh, I know, it’s terrible the way they make you do all the work. You deserve a break.”
So, why bother to find these beliefs?
There is a lot of power in becoming honest with ourselves about why we do things the way we do. This is the key to living a powerful, peaceful, fulfilling life. Socrates said “the unexamined life is not worth living.” By examining the behaviors that we engage in and then discerning the beliefs behind them, we can decide whether these are the beliefs we really want in our lives or whether we want to make and keep other beliefs.
The opposite of living an examined life is living as a victim of life. You might say, “I’m not a victim here, it’s just that other people pull me down!” However, if you are not living a life that you have consciously chosen and are allowing life to carry you along like a piece of drift wood bobbing on the ocean waves, then you are not choosing the life that you want.
If you don’t know what you are committed to then this absence of direction will allow for others to tell you what they want.
This, my friend, is a guarantee for failure!
Following through on your commitments is powerful. It builds mental strength and confidence. It also builds trust in yourself and others will see and feel this as well. Once you begin to explore your unconscious beliefs and what you are committed to, you may decide not to change it. You may decide that your belief is not a problem and does not hold you back from reaching your personal goals.
This is fantastic to know!
The point is that by identifying your belief and what you are committed to, you have the power to change. The choice is in your hands. You are no longer living as a victim of life, but consciously, with mental strength, choosing your commitments.
My Experience
As I work with my client’s and move them through the coaching process and my coaching model, I need to support them in understanding what they want to commit to. This process will take time and it must be driven by my client. For me, this is an opportunity to explain the importance of having a vision, personal goals to work towards and to really supporting them in being aware of their beliefs.
My role is not to decide what beliefs are best for my client’s but rather the importance of aligning my client‘s beliefs with their pathway forward. Coaching is about working with my client to develop them. It must be about their development plan, not one they have been swayed to believe, by me or anyone. And especially not one that was told to them years ago by well-meaning people, instead it must be a conscious plan that they choose to make.
When you are working with your unconscious beliefs, be alert to your language. Your use of language will give you great insight into how much self belief you have. It will also help you to see how committed you are and how your language supports your personal success and not your failure.
Self Observation
One way you can support yourself is to see if your actions are aligned with your personal goals and your path forward. If your actions are aligned with your personal goals, then you’re committed. One way of creating this alignment is to put in place a structure. For example, if you say you’re committed to spending time with your children and you end up spending 100 hours a week at work and come home after they are in bed, then you are only “trying”, they are not “committed.”
If you are truly committed to your personal goals, personal success and your journey you will put in place a structure to make the time available. As a coach it is a great moment of observation and aid my clients in creating a structure for them to make their goal achievable.
My commitment is to my client and their commitment is to their goals…I don’t run ahead of them trying to pull them along and I don’t follow them from behind trying to push them to their goal. I travel with them side-by-side assisting them the entire way.
Reflections
- What commitment do you really want to make about your personal goals?
- What structures are you going to put in place to make sure that you fulfill your new powerful commitment?
- What support can you put in place to help you when you notice that your level of commitment is slipping?
Well, there you have it! I hope you found this series very informative…I enjoyed sharing it with you.
Roland N. Gilbert
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