Thursday, December 22, 2011

Do Relationships Need Lies to Survive?

Recently, a former client of mine got in touch with me about a possible panel discussion on the issue of deception in relationships. She had a hunch, she said, that relationships need a "dash of deceit" to survive. When she said relationships, she meant romantic ones. Readers of GUOYBAS! know that "relationship" has a much bigger, broader meaning to me, as does "love."

So taking the bigger meaning first, let me answer the question with an anecdote. Because I studied deception for so long, and have found in my work that lying (or, at least the telling of little lies) is ordinary rather than extraordinary, occasionally I get challenged. A conversation partner or student or someone in an audience at one of my talks will claim that they never lie. Even more interestingly, some will vow to spend the next several weeks without telling any lies at all. I never suggest or encourage this, but I do ask them to tell me about their experiences. Only a few people have actually followed through with their personal experiments in honesty, but the result has been the same each time. They have to call it off after a few days, and go back and apologize. They say they are sorry to the person whose party invitation they declined with the honest response that the person's parties are always boring - or that the host him or herself is boring. They ask for forgiveness for saying to the friend who asked that she really does look like she gained weight. They try to make it up to the coworker whose contributions they described, in all honesty, as not up to par. I draw a big line between little lies and big ones. 

Serious lies - the big time betrayals of trust - are probably never good for relationships of any kind. Little lies are often a different matter entirely. Sometimes people tell these lies not because they don't value honesty, but because telling the truth conflicts with something else they value, such as being compassionate or loyal or reassuring. As I've noted before, romantic relationships are hotbeds for serious lies. Serious lies are often told by and to other close relationship partners, too, such as parents. For example, when parents hide a grim diagnosis of a grandparent's illness from a child, sometimes that grandchild will still feel badly about the deception many years later. There is an intriguing exception, though, to the rule that the most serious lies are told by and to the people who are closest to us: In the 238 stories of serious lies that I collected, only 6 of them involved a best friend.

In preparation for the discussion she sent me her questions in advance. I wrote out some answers, so I thought I'd share them with you. (BM means Bougie Magazine.)

BM: How prevalent is lying in romantic relationships?
Roland: It depends on whether we are talking about the little lies of everyday life or the big, serious lies. We have a good idea for the little lies. In romantic relationships that are not married relationships, people lie in one out of every three conversations. With a spouse, they lie in one out of every 10 conversations. I don't know whether people become more honest as they become more serious about the relationship, or whether they are more honest from the outset with the person they will eventually marry.

It is different for serious lies. When people lie about something big - such as an affair, or about some other terrible thing they did, or just about anything else they consider serious - they are more likely to tell those lies to the people they care about the most. Our spouses and the other people we feel closest to are the ones who have the highest expectations for us. That means it is especially hard to tell them that you have fallen so short of those expectations.

BM: Are all lies bad?
Roland: It might seem so in the abstract. But we live in the real world. We might value honesty and want to be honest, but we sometimes value other qualities at the same time, such as compassion or loyalty. Sometimes, two noble goals come into conflict. If you tell the truth, you will be unkind, and if you say something kind, it will be a lie. Sometimes when people lie to the ones they love, it is because they are valuing something else more than honesty. Maybe they are trying to be loyal, or to avoid hurting the other person's feelings. Maybe they think that the other person isn't in a good enough place, emotionally, to hear a painful truth.

Liars sometimes claim to tell lies so as to spare the other person from pain. Sometimes they really mean it. But they can also be using that as an excuse to give themselves an out.

BM: Why do people lie to their partners and what do they lie about?
Roland: Sometimes people tell what I call "kind-hearted lies." Those are the lies told to spare someone else's feelings or make them look better to others or feel better. Examples include: "I know just how you feel;" "you did the right thing;" "you look great." If you care about someone, you are more likely to tell them those kinds of lies.

Many of the other little lies of everyday life are told to make the liars look better or feel better or get what they want. Those are the self-serving lies. They can be told because the liars really are acting in a self-centered way, but there's another reason, too. Sometimes liars claim to be smarter or kinder or more accomplished than they really are because they are trying to impress the other person. So, they puff up their own image because they care so much about what the other person thinks of them. They want to create a good impression, but they are not sure whether their true self will be good enough. So they lie. Probably more of this kind of lying goes on when potential partners are first getting to know each other.

Serious lies are a whole other matter. When we asked people about the most serious lie they ever told to anyone, and the most serious lie anyone ever told to them, they described lies about many different things. But the most common were lies about affairs.

If we’re honest with ourselves, we should admit that we’ve been dishonest not once but many times. We’d like to think though that there’s a distinction between dishonesty and betrayal. A bit of dishonesty here and there – the classic white lie – does not merit making a mountain out of a molehill. Betrayal, however, is looked upon as more of a serious deviation that leads to a potentially intense confrontation which could end in rupture – divorce.

Nonetheless, just because dishonesty isn’t exactly equal to betrayal does not mean that we should turn a blind eye to dishonesty. Aware of our own weaknesses and shortcomings, we’re willing to let it go. But what if that dishonesty rears its ugly head one time too many? We struggle to be open-minded about the dishonesty of our other half – “oh there must be a reason why he/she didn’t tell me the truth” – but when we find ourselves forgiving too frequently, our veins begin to pop and our brains begin to transmit error messages.

Another offshoot of dishonesty is that if repeated over time, it turns us into fakes and manipulators. Dishonesty also closes the door to feeling any sense of emotional enrichment because we constantly live in an ugly web of lies. Dishonesty breeds distrust among spouses and partners and hence ruin our relationships – relationships that could be rewarding had we nurtured them properly.

Even the harmless white lie – the necessary evil – can serve as training ground for bigger lies, transforming our dishonesty into indiscretions and ultimately, betrayal.

There’s this saying about a rolling stone gathering no moss. But as human beings continue to roll in lies, the moss gets bigger and stubbornly sticks likes glue. We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger.

Your thoughts?

Think. Grow. Live!

Roland N. Gilbert

Roland works one-on-one – via phone and face-to-face – and with MasterMind Groups. Through Couples Coaching Roland helps clients communicate better, find the love they want, and create relationships of significance.

Contact Roland at 800-974-3692 or to determine if coaching is right for you.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Will You Compromise What You Believe for Who You Love?

Guest post by   
Is it a priority for you to date someone that believes in the same God(s) you do?
For the majority, the answer is yes. We want to be with someone that has a similar belief system because we’re gonna have many of the same values, and we’re going to be able to speak a similar language when it comes to spirituality. This helps to establish a foundation that we can easily build on.
I can say with 99.3% confidence that the majority of my readers are Black, Christian women. We can look across the internet at similar sites you frequent and see the same trend. Additionally, there’s no shortage of articles on the topic ranging from how the church is keeping women single (bleh) to how come there aren’t more men there every week? You can also tell from your discussion amongst friends that spirituality is a big deal and most of the folks you associate with are probably Christian or of a similar faith. If your friends aren’t into spirituality and you are, you may want to find some new people. The best inspiration comes from circles. I’m not saying ditch your friends. I’m saying find some new ones that enhance this aspect of your life.
So let’s say you find someone that believes in God or the deity of your choosing. You get excited because they've met one of your most important requirements when considering a sustainable relationship. They say what church they go to or share a couple lines about what they believe in. You move on to the next topic and things continue to go well for the next few weeks…or months. Faith hasn't been a huge deal since they've claimed to be god-fearing so you’ve been focusing on developing all the other aspects of the relationship.
You’re really happy about the situation and see the potential for a long and prosperous future with them because they treat you well and inspire you to be a better person. Everything is great until one day you get into a discussion about the in-depth specifics of your faith, and realize you’re on a completely different page in terms of how to get to the same happy place when you shed the flesh. Let me pose a question for you:
What happens when you believe in the same higher being, but believe in different ways of getting your spirits to the same place? What if you really love the person you’re with, but they interpret the Bible or most important book in your faith differently?
When you come to this realization, you have three choices:
  1. You accommodate each other’s spirituality the way an interfaith couple would, and work through the challenges.
  2. You compromise your beliefs to be more aligned with the other person.
  3. You break up and continue to look for someone that believes in what you believe in or goes to the same church.
Follow Up Question: Which would you be most likely to do today? Which would you be most likely to do if you aren’t married in five to ten years?
Let’s look more closely at each option:
The most common thing I hear when it comes to spiritually-based relationships is the concept of being “equally yoked.” Personally, I think that being equally yoked is both relative and overrated. If a person is striving to become a better person, treating you well, and living life in a way that sets an example for those around them and makes both of you better, you can still have a happy and thriving relationship without believing the exact same thing. Every book has multiple interpretations, so there are multiple ways to happiness.
You can raise a family that welcomes and appreciates diversity of thought, but isn’t divided. I’m not saying it’s easy, but it’s possible. That’s the accommodation. But there’s something to consider that we sometimes forget when we caught up in bliss and loins.
At the most basic level, your spiritual journey is exactly that: your spiritual journey. Nobody should be able to slow you down or make you suddenly veer off course to a different path, unless you’ve decided within yourself that it’s time to make a change. It happens to folks everyday. They have the epiphany that what they’ve been following for years upon years isn’t the route they wanna go, but that’s what they did because that’s how they were brought up.
I look at compromise differently than accommodation. In the way that I’m speaking here, compromise is about altering your beliefs to make a relationship work so that you can live happily ever after. It’s a double-edged sword. On one end, it shows that you’re flexible and willing to make a sacrifice for the “greater good.” On the other, you’ve adjusted your core values for someone else. That’s not an easy thing to do. And if it is easy, then you must not have been as deeply rooted in your faith or values as you thought you were. There’s nothing wrong with that realization. It’s how you process it and move forward that determines who you really are.
Breaking Up
It’s a tough situation to be with someone that puts butterflies in your stomach every day, then have to turn around and accept that they aren’t the right person for you. It takes a very strong moral character and high level of faith to know that if you opt out of something with someone that makes you happy, you’ll find someone that’ll make you happier. Are you willing to take that leap? I’m willing to bet many of us aren’t. It’s an easy game to talk, but a tough pill to swallow. Pause.
I don’t say all this to tell you what to do. I say it because it’s important, and because it’s a part of the discussion that often gets missed when talking about faith/values requirements.
So how would you handle it if someone believes in the same deity you do, but has a completely different mindset about how to achieve the ultimate desirable outcome?
 Are you willing to compromise or accommodate? If so, what does it take for you to make that shift? Are there other options than the three I provided? 
All other thoughts are welcome!
Think. Grow. Live!

Roland N. Gilbert

Roland works one-on-one – via phone and face-to-face – and with MasterMind Groups. Through Couples Coaching Roland helps clients communicate better, find the love they want, and create relationships of significance. 

Contact Roland at 800-974-3692 or to determine if coaching is right for you.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

8 Ways Men Can Improve Their Relationships Today!

Good relationships don't just happen. I've heard many of my clients state that, "If I have to work at it, then it's not the right relationship." This is not a true statement, any more than it's true that you don't have to work at good physical health through exercise, eating well, and stress reduction.

Fellas, I've discovered 8 choices you can make today that will not only improve your current relationship, but can turn a failing relationship into a successful one.

1. Improve your communication 

There is nothing more important in a relationship than communication. The more you communicate with your woman, the less likely the two of you will get into arguments because you both will be able to talk about your problems instead of holding them in. Remember, if you can’t communicate, you can’t even begin to support one another in a relationship.

2. Take responsibility for your own happiness

This means taking responsibility for your own feelings and needs instead of trying to get your partner to make you feel happy and secure. Learn to treat yourself with kindness, compassion and acceptance instead of self-judgment. Don't lose yourself just because you are in a relationship.

3. Show her gratitude instead of complaining 

Practice being grateful for what you have rather than focusing on what you don’t have. Constant complaining creates more stress in a relationship, while gratitude creates emotional, spiritual and physical health.

4. Laugh together

Mutual laughter is an essential component of a strong and healthy relationship. Romance is much better if you can see humor in the little things and can have a laugh together. So, make a conscious effort to incorporate more humor and play into your daily interactions with your woman and be willing to make a fool of yourself sometimes just to put a smile on her face.

5. Set common goals together 

Look for anything that’s common between the two of you and talk about ways to work toward that aspiration together. Sit down with your partner and set new goals., i.e health, comfort, happiness and so on. Share what you want your life to be about, where you want to end up and what these things mean to you.

6. Give her some space 

When you love someone, you want to spend as much time with them as possible; however, it’s equally important to have some space and to spend some time apart every once in a while. Being apart not only allows you some freedom, but it will also allow the two of you to miss each other and is an ideal way to keep your relationship interesting.

7. Be spontaneous 

You can ensure that romance never goes out of your relationship by doing things like sending her flowers for no reason, writing her a love note, or preparing her favorite meal for her when she least expects it. Being spontaneous also means trying new things out of the ordinary together to keep the relationship interesting.

8. Improve your sex life 

If you really want to give your relationship staying power, give a little extra effort in the bedroom. There is no limit to the number of ways to have sex, so use your imagination and come up with as many new positions as you desire. There is always something that you haven’t tried, so don't be afraid to mix things up in bed and awaken her sexuality.

All relationships need a little pick-me-up sometimes--even the best of them. If you feel like your relationship isn’t quite what it used to be or would like to take it up a notch, try these 8 things today and keep your fire burning.

Think. Grow. Live!

Roland N. Gilbert

Roland works one-on-one – via phone and face-to-face – and with MasterMind Groups. Through Couples Coaching Roland helps clients communicate better, find the love they want, and create relationships of significance. 

Contact Roland at 800-974-3692 or to determine if coaching is right for you.

Monday, December 12, 2011

5 Sure Ways to Lose Clients and Alienate Prospects

How often have you found yourself thinking it’d be much easier to work if it wasn't for clients? Answering the phone like a robot, or rolling your eyes at a complaint?  It is so easy to fall into the trap of unhelpful routine behaviors that actually limit your prospects.
The reality is that despite any unreasonableness you might be receiving from the people you deal with in business, there are very basic steps that you could take to avoid the majority of it. If you notice yourself doing any of the following, take a step back and try to introduce more positive alternatives.

1. Becoming a Robot

Instead: Be polite but not sterile
It’s important to ensure your conversations and emails can never be misconstrued as rude, but that doesn’t mean you need to be sterile. This is relevant to all aspects in your communications, from salutation to conclusion.
For example, I work with people who sign off their emails with ‘Sincere Regards’. How do you think that makes the recipient feel? While it is a safe bet, it might not be the best signatory. But equally you would not want to appear over familiar. It is worth being conscious of how your communications will be interpreted by the recipient; be them verbal, written or in person.

2. Leaving Assumptions Unvoiced

Instead: Follow up meetings
It’s very simple. After a meeting, send the person you met with an email confirming the points of your discussion and your understanding of the actions to follow. It will now be in writing and no one can reinvent the truth. This simple action also shows you were listening and are interested in the project you are working on together.

3. Being Lazy, Procrastinating or Simply Not Caring

Instead: Be proactive, be interested and stay in touch
How often do you communicate with your active clients? Probably not regularly enough. Organising yourself and your team to make regular calls to check in on clients, even if there isn’t much to say, is a basic way to show you care. People like to feel special. It doesn’t take long to type an email to touch base with your contacts.

4. Forgetting to Stay Informed

Instead: Take pride and become an expert in your field
It’s important to stay on top of the industry that you profess to represent. By reading blogs like this you can very quickly stay informed on trends with design, development, marketing and much more. Knowing the major news and up-to-date developments mean you can not only maintain a reputation of expertise and knowledge but also become naturally able to incorporate interesting facts of the industry in conversation with clients and colleagues.

5. Neglecting to Build a Positive Business Culture

Instead: Introduce ways to show you care and are passionate
Simple actions such as organizing a morning tea, buying champagne for a hardworking colleague or even social networking and writing regular blog entries can help build upon the lively and positive energy within your business. Sharing these actions with the public via your website is an easy way to prove your business is made up of human beings who are passionate about what they do. These actions will naturally translate into every day behaviors, such as positive conversations and meeting tough problems with a sense of humor and can-do attitude.
Introduce these alternatives to your own behaviors when dealing with clients and colleagues. Squash any robotic behaviors and ban procrastination: Learn how to avoid losing clients and alienating your prospects today!
Think. Grow. Live!

Roland N. Gilbert

Perennial Consulting Group has been helping small business and entrepreneurs for years "get it right!" If you are looking to get your business started or looking to expand your current enterprise, let Perennial Consulting Group partner with you today so that you can excel tomorrow!

If you'd like to explore the possibility of starting your own business, contact me today and schedule your free consultation!

Roland N. Gilbert is Vice-President and founder of the Perennial Consulting Group a management consulting, coaching and sales force development firm that focuses on sales force development, sales training, peak performance, profit improvement, team-building and personal development. Contact Roland at 800-974-3692 or to determine if business consulting is right for you.

17 Habits to Let Go Of Today!

Our daily life is full of unproductive habits and rituals that we execute – whether on a conscious or unconscious level. This makes us less efficient and productive than we could potentially be.

Obviously, just listing some avoidable habits is not enough. Because of this, I encourage you to check out my articles on how to break bad habits. It gives a good foundation on how to actually start changing your habits from bad to good.

Here are 17 unproductive habits that you should let go today:

1. Consuming information you don’t need

Unsubscribe from as many mailing lists as you can. This way you can cut down the amount of incoming e-mails and prevent distraction.

Also, stop watching news. If there is an event that is newsworthy, it will catch you anyway (mostly by other people).

2. Letting others run your life

Steve Jobs said it right: “Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life.”

You are the master of your life and it is a shame if you live your life by pleasing others.

Naturally, it is wise to listen to advice from other people every now and then. However, ignore those people who say you can’t reach your dreams, it is impossible to do something or that your vision is foolish.

In your heart you know that it is not true.

3. Reinventing the wheel

Before you start working on your task or project, prevent reinventing the wheel.

Spend some time on research to find out if there are already solutions that help you to complete your task faster.

4. Being perfect

Although striving for perfection may be a noble principle for some, it is still a huge time and energy waster.

Instead of spending too much time on tweaking something, create a checklist to go through on your finalization phase. When you realize that all the items on your list are checked, you can finish your work and move on.

Not only are you relieved of your accomplishment, you will also give room for your brain to focus on other things instead.

5. Letting television overrun your passion

When television is preventing you from taking action on your passion, maybe it is time to rethink your priorities.

DVR your TV shows for later viewing instead. If you do this operation a couple of times you will form a new success habit – working on your passion first and watching television second.

6. Multitasking

Stop working on multiple tasks at once. You are spreading your focus and effort on too many places at once. Although you might be able to proceed on many fronts at once, it is still a very slow and error-prone way of working.

Instead, when you focus solely on one task, you get all the work done much faster. You can put your mind fully to that task, complete it fully and move to the next task.

7. Neglecting your body

You should take utmost care of your body. Feed it nutritious food, keep it fit by exercising on a regular basis and give it enough sleep.

When doing these the quality of your life rises dramatically! You feel good and in some cases you are able to prevent some diseases from breaking out. Also, your energy levels are higher and thus, you are more productive.

8. Promising too much

Control your “yeses”. If you feel you have too much on your plate, be selfish and just say no! You have a right to decline requests presented to you. Don’t feel bad about saying no.

If another person has a right to ask something from you, you have an equal right to say no.

9. Reacting to every distraction that comes along

The number of distractions has grown radically over the last few years. The main problem is that you are expected to be reachable all the time.

When you are distracted, it causes unnecessary stress and makes you procrastinate on your work.

Instead of being reachable, shut down the communication devices when you want to concentrate on your work. If this means shutting down your phone or even taking the network cable out of your computer, then do it. This way you can cut down your temptations to be distracted too easily.

10. Thinking that more the better

More is not necessarily better. In fact, in many cases the quality beats the quantity.

Strive for mastering or focusing on just a few things, but not everything. For example, you could start focusing on just a subset of your clients that bring most of your results (80/20 rule) or mastering one skill well rather than trying to be good on 12 different things.

Focusing on the things that bring the biggest rewards is a great strategy to be used your in  daily life.

11. Being late on appointments

Stop wasting other peoples time! Not only are you giving a bad impression out of yourself, you are also showing that you ignore the other person’s valuable timetables completely.

Adjust your own schedule/clock to, for example, 15 minutes earlier, so that you keep your appointments without any delay.

12. Staying quiet when you should ask

When you are stuck and you are not able to move forward with your task or project, speak up!

It’s not ignorant to ask a question if you don’t know – rather, the person who doesn’t ask for help is ignorant.

13. Starting a task but not finishing

Too many people start a task and never finish it. Understandably the task may get postponed sometimes because of reasons that are not dependent of you. But a majority times this is not the case and it is your responsibility to finish the task.

Make a plan on how to tackle the task: Break it into smaller pieces and execute your plan on a daily basis. Eventually you realize that the task is done and you'll feel very good about yourself!

14. Working tired

When you work tired, you are not able to focus on your work as well as if you were fully refreshed.

If you feel tired, ask yourself if you are getting enough sleep at night and adjust your sleeping time accordingly.

Also, you can take a quick 15-20 minute nap to refresh yourself. Powernap is a great way to restart your day.

15. Waiting for others to take action

Sometimes the only way to get something done is to do it yourself. If you are waiting for others to take action on your behalf, you will be disappointed because most likely nothing gets done.

Take initiative, put your ideas into action and enjoy the fruits of your labor.

16. Failing to admit mistakes and learning from them

Everybody makes mistakes. However, some people learn from their mistakes, while other people complain and never see any positive sides in those situations.

Use mistakes as a feedback and learning mechanism to improve your action further.

17. Fixing the symptom instead of the root cause

When you have a flat tire on your bicycle, you have two options to handle the situation.

You can either pump up the tire so that you can ride your bike for a while – until the tire is flat again. Or you can change the tire to an intact one once – and stop wasting time on pumping air to a flat one on a recurring basis.

Strive for fixing the root cause instead of just fixing the symptom. It may take more time, but continually fixing the symptoms will, in the long run, take even more time.

There are lots of habits in our daily lives that could be improved or replaced with a better one.

If there is a one single area to focus on this list, it is definitely item #7. When your body feels good on all three levels (nutrition, exercise and sleep), it is much easier to change other parts of your life also.

Just take one unproductive habit, crush it and then move on to the next one.

What unproductive habits are you still holding onto?
What is your "action plan" to turn this around?

Think. Grow. Live!

Roland N. Gilbert

Roland works one-on-one – via phone and face-to-face – and with MasterMind Groups. Through Couples Coaching Roland helps clients communicate better, find the love they want, and create relationships of significance.

Contact Roland at 800-974-3692 or to determine if coaching is right for you.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Is Job Hunting Like Dating?

Finding the perfect partner can be a daunting task…but it’s not unlike a process you might be very familiar with: job hunting. Much like a relationship, job hunting starts with a first impression (like a first date) and is full of the same hurdles you’ll face in the dating world. How do you find the perfect company (or perfect partner)? What kind of company (or type of person) is best for you?

Considering how you look for a romantic partner may help point the way to finding the right employment match. And considering how much time you may end up spending at work, finding the right fit makes it just as important.

There are lots of different ways to connect. So, what’s your style?

The Hunt

Know what you want

Tall, dark, and white collar or windblown surf-ette, when it comes to a romantic partner we all know what we like without thinking too much about it. We’re attracted to people who ‘fit’ and ‘get’ us. The same is true about the kind of company you work for. It just may not be quite as intuitive and may take some soul searching to find out what you prefer.

Know where to find it

Ask all of your coupled friends how they met and you’ll get just as many answers! There are so many places to look for love — and employers — that you won’t go wrong looking at any and all of them. They key is to get out there and look everywhere. There is a reason it’s called a job hunt.

Do you know a friend of a friend who works at the company you have your eye on? Get them to introduce you! Networking is one of the oldest and best ways to find your perfect match. It holds the added bonus of having someone connected to vouch for you.

If you don’t know anyone associated with your heart’s desire, the vast resources of the Internet are only a click away. Just as online dating has come out of the dark corners of the Web to be a legitimate way to meet people, business networking sites are a great way to connect and research companies that you are interested in. And don’t forget to scan your local paper as well; your heart’s desire may already be under your nose and in your own community!

The Woo

Putting your best foot forward: The date (interview)

Do you remember the date who showed up late, smelly from the bike ride he/she had taken earlier in the day and who talked only of themselves? Yeah, I don’t either. I’m sure he/she was a great person but never got a second date because everything about him or her said, “I don’t care.” Don’t let that happen to you!

Once you have found ‘the one,’ it’s time to show your stuff. The interview is your ‘first date’ with this company. Present your best possible self by showing up on time, in your most polished and professional outfit and ready to charm. You want this company to know you’re into them! Let them know why you would be good together. Similar to a first date, don’t hog the conversation. You will be answering questions about yourself, sure, but be as succinct as possible. Shakespeare said it best, “Brevity is the soul of wit.”

The Next Day

Follow-up! Would you wait around after a fantastic date with your dream girl to see if she calls you? Don’t make your company of choice wait to hear from you. Send an email to follow-up or a handwritten note if that is more your style.

Although getting a call back from your dream organization and landing a first date with someone you like are not the same thing, the processes used to get there have many similarities. If you find yourself facing rejection during your job search, simply continue your efforts as you would in the dating world – after all, there are plenty of other fish in the sea. Hopefully the right one is out there waiting for you!

What other things do dating and the job hunting have in common?

Think. Grow. Live!

Roland N. Gilbert

Roland works one-on-one – via phone and face-to-face – and with MasterMind Groups. Through Couples Coaching Roland helps clients communicate better, find the love they want, and create relationships of significance.

Contact Roland at 800-974-3692 or to determine if coaching is right for you.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

10 Signs She'll Make a Bad Wife

If you’re thinking of asking your girlfriend to become your wife, deciding if you’re ready to make the commitment to marriage is only half the battle. You have to be absolutely sure that the woman in your life is someone you’ll be happy spending time with day in and day out. Love alone is not enough to make a marriage work, and certain characteristics are warning signs for a troubled marriage down the road. Here are some of the most obvious signs that your girlfriend is not marriage material:

1. She cuts you off from loved ones
A girlfriend who always becomes sick or has excuses when it's time to spend quality time with your family and stops you from hanging out with your family and friends will only act worse after you say your vows.

. She disappears on you when times get tough
Life isn’t always a bowl of cherries, but that doesn't mean that the woman in your life should just disappear when the times get tough. If your girlfriend is not supportive of you emotionally and have your back through difficult times and only stands by you when things are going good, she's not the one you should be walking down the aisle with.

. She displays psychotic behaviors
A woman who breeds chaos, misunderstanding and insanity might not be the best person to swear your undying loyalty to. If she displays severe psychological problems now, imagine what kind of influence her crazy and irrational behaviors will have on your future. Marrying a woman like this will most likely ruin your life and your perception of women forever.

4. She's too clingy 

If your girlfriend can’t go anywhere or do anything without you, calls you twenty times a day and destroys any chance of you missing her because because the two of you are never apart, she’s going to make a bad wife.

5. She has nothing going on for herself

You should want to marry a woman who has goals and brings something better to your life, not one who is up to her neck in debt, has no income, displays unpredictable behaviors and has tried numerous, short-lived career paths yet never knows what she wants in life. This type of unpredictable lifestyle could derail your own life plan as well.

6. She's controlling

If your girlfriend controls all of your conversations, constantly forces you into agreeing with her and acts as an overbearing, emotional bully, it’ll only get worse after you say "I do." 

She's already cheated on you
Do you honestly believe that a woman is marriage material if she has been unfaithful to you while you were dating? Yes, a person can always change and learn from their mistakes; however, a cheating girlfriend will more than likely continue to be unfaithful after marriage.

8. Her sex-drive doesn't match yours

Another sign that she'll make a bad wife is if her libido differs wildly from yours. The way you relate to each other in the bedroom has a big influence on whether the two of you will stay together after wedding vows are exchanged, so it’s best to work this out before you walk down the aisle.

9. She's extremely jealous

Although a little bit of jealousy is essential for a healthy relationship, extreme jealousy arises in a relationship because of high levels of insecurity. If your girlfriend is jealous of every girl who comes near you, refuses to accept that you have female friends and feels threatened when you discuss your previous relationships, no matter what she says, putting a ring on her finger is NOT going to make her more secure.

10. She can't admit when she's wrong

If she always seems to have the upper hand in arguments, refuses to admit her faults or even treat you as an equal, she's not ready to share her life and is not the marrying kind.

Contrary to the wisdom of love songs, love is not enough to make a marriage work. Getting married means sharing your entire life with another person, so you want to make absolutely sure that she is someone you’ll be happy spending time with day in and day out. Keep an eye out for these warning signs that she will make a bad wife and avoid committing to the wrong woman

Can you add anything to the list?

Think. Grow. Live!

Roland N. Gilbert

Roland works one-on-one – via phone and face-to-face – and with MasterMind Groups. Through Couples Coaching Roland helps clients communicate better, find the love they want, and create relationships of significance. 

Contact Roland at 800-974-3692 or to determine if coaching is right for you.