Thursday, June 30, 2011

How Can You Tell If You Are In A Toxic Relationship?

How can you tell if you are in a toxic relationship?  Here are some clues:
  • Your partner puts you down (verbally) in front of others.
  • While your partner says they love you, their actions don’t back it up.
  • Your partner is controlling – reading your mail or “showing up” at places you are just to “check up” on you.
  • Your partner tries to make you dependent on them.
  • You have changed things about yourself to please them.
Toxic people make you feel ill just being around them.  So, why would anyone end up in a toxic relationship?  Why would anyone want to be with someone who makes them feel emotionally or physically harmed?

The Cycles of a Toxic Relationship

A toxic relationship has a cycle.  There’s a honeymoon period, followed by a blow up, followed by reconciliation – at which point the cycle begins anew.
When you first meet a new partner, you are obviously in the honeymoon stage.  It is not until they’ve sucked you in further that you realize that you are in a toxic relationship.  At that point, it’s difficult to get out.
One reason is that many people in toxic relationships grow up in toxic homes.  As a result, they replicate the patterns of their childhood without even knowing they’re doing it.  And, they may not know any better.  Others believe they do not deserve happiness.  Still others find that they enjoy taking care of people.
Steps to Get Out of a Toxic Relationship
But the first step in getting out and staying out of toxic relationships is to realize that you do have choices.  Often people who stay in these relationships have low self esteem or suffer from depression.
Once you realize that you have choices, the next step is to start standing up for yourself.  In most toxic relationships, the toxic partner has taught you that it is all your fault.  Once you buy into this, it can be very difficult to either walk away from the relationship or set new limits that can heal the relationship.
For some people, working in therapy groups can help them either get out of or redefine these horrible relationships.
The good news is that some people are able to break the cycles of toxic relationships.  Some of them leave the relationship and form new, healthier bonds. But others are actually able to repair their relationship and stay in it.
Freeing Yourself From A Toxic Relationship
The truth is that most relationships are able to be salvaged.  Sometimes it takes a little space.  Other times, it takes counseling.  But if both partners make an attempt, it is possible to renew the bonds in a healthy way.
The first thing you need to decide is that the relationship must improve or you’re willing to walk away.  If you aren’t willing to walk away, you’ll never be able to heal that which divides you.
Once you have liberated yourself from the dependency that is at the core of a toxic relationship, you can start to assert what you need from the connection.  Don’t nag the other person.  Simply say “I need your support,” “I need your love,” or “I need your truthful opinion.” If you don’t get what you need, the other person should know that you’re prepared to walk.
A healthy relationship is a two way street.  In a toxic relationship, the street is only going one way.  You have the power to change that, but you must take the power into your own hands!
Have you ever been or currently in a Toxic Relationship? 
What have you done/are you doing to cope?
Think. Grow. Live!
Roland N. Gilbert
Roland works one-on-one – via phone and face-to-face – and with MasterMind Groups. Through Couples Coaching Roland helps clients communicate better, find the love they want, and create relationships of significance. Contact Roland at 800-974-3692 or to determine if coaching is right for you.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

The Art of Self-Pleasure

Sex does not happen all the time for a lot of couples and singles. There are many reasons for this issue from being long distance to not performing well.  We are humans and we need to “release” the stress that we have during the day. If sex is not a regular routine for you, why don’t you try the next best thing…masturbation? Masturbation sounds like an “ugly” word but it is not. It can be a healthy process that can help improve a person’s immune system and ease depression. According to, between 45 and 80 percent of women have tried masturbation and they enjoyed it. They did not die or go blind from this enjoyable past time. 

Here are some tips to help get you going.

Turn Down the Lights

Having lights on when you can become nervous or feel odd when you want to explore your body. When the lights are off, you will get a chance to tune into your other senses like smell, touch and hearing. You will feel more at ease when you are doing your solo session.


Take Deep Breaths and close your eyes. Enjoy your sheets. Explore your hot spots and sensual sides of your body. Turn off your phones, televisions and computers. Give yourself that “sexy” time to enjoy all aspects of you.

Make sure you have soft sheets

Cotton sheets are nice in the summer because they can help cool your body as you start your fun. Silk sheets are nice for the luxurious feeling of someone being in the bed with you.

Turn on some cool air to set the mood

Nothing is worse than being sweaty and uncomfortable in your own bed. So put on a fan or some air conditioning to help you relax.

Envision your deepest sexual fantasy or wish

Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. Let your mind wander into the depths of sexual erotica. Enjoy the entertainment that your mind has to offer because the brain is the biggest sexual organ you have.

Use Ice

Ice is good to use if you are about to explode because it will give you an intense sensation. Ice can also help to get you going again. Keep the ice close by, so you will not ruin the moment.

Use your fingers (If you are from the old school)

The classic toy…your fingers, they never seem to let a lady down. You can use as many as you want and do not have to use batteries. I suggest putting some lube on them to make the session last longer. Ice on your fingers is helpful as well.

Use a fun toy (plastic, glass, and vibrator)

There are so many options when it comes to shopping for sex toys. From the dildos to the bullet vibrator to the rubber duckie, when you go to get one, keep in mind what kind of orgasm you want to have. Remember if you want a easy to use toy or something that is more complex.  Whatever toy you decide to use, make sure you enjoy all the features on the toy.

Masturbation should be a fun activity that lets you forget about your stresses. Enjoy pleasuring yourself because it is better for your health and mental state of mind. These little tips will help you have a strong and longer orgasm and help tighten your pelvic muscles. Enjoy your self love and become in tuned with your body. 

 If you have any tips or stories about how you get your solo sessions started. Let me know. 

Let me know your thoughts below


Sedinam "Seddi" Kakrada is a Broadcast Journalism grad student at UNLV with a B.A. in Communication. Seddi has combined her two favorite topics, sex & communication and is striving to become the first African-American "Dr. Ruth".Seddi hails from Annapolis, MD, and looks forward to answering your questions and helping you succeed!

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Self-Empowerment: 3 Secrets Your Mother Never Told You

If you've ever felt you wear a sign that reads, “Please take advantage of me,” you are not alone. Tons of women (and men) are in the same boat. They feel like props, fixtures and tools that hold up other people’s lives. With little certainty of how to uplift their own.

The truth, your language and actions give away your power. Empowering yourself means holding on to that advantage. It means you stand grounded with a real sense of who you are and what you stand for. Your core identity. You are centered and decisive in all matters that relate to you. To begin to create your own life, here are 3 secrets to empowering yourself.
Secret #1- Don’t Ask for Permission
Asking for permission or constant reassurance, leaves a scent of immaturity and uncertainty about your life. You are communicating, “Without you, I can’t figure this out.” “I can’t do this alone.” You don’t need outside acceptance or approval to move forward. The only permission you need is your own. The more you lean on you, the more you build your confidence.
Secret #2- Plan and Keep it Moving
When you create a plan to go back to school or move to a new place, you communicate, “I will.” A done deal. You’ve done something very powerful. You have put your plan in motion. And, when you inform others of your plan as it is “happening” the momentum is unstoppable.
Secret #3- You Are Responsible for Your Own Happiness
You are. Not your husband or your husband’s salary. Not your children. Not your salary. Just you. The stuff you buy, homes, cars, and jewelry, will never “really” make you happy. Only you can do that. Stuff will entertain you, but only substance will sustain you. And you my friend, are substantial.
When you make it your mission to find out who you really are and what you have to offer, you’ll feel alive, and never, ever, need to fill your days, hours, and minutes with the superficial. You were created for so much more.
Start today, create your own life and empower yourself by wearing a new sign, “My life is my own,” and back it up with your language and actions. Your power lies not only in your ability to handle life’s big challenges, but in your willingness to orchestrate your life’s tiny details. Wishing you more. More peace, more joy, more happiness, and More You.
Think. Grow. Live!
Roland N. Gilbert
Roland works one-on-one – via phone and face-to-face – and with MasterMind Groups. Through Couples Coaching Roland helps clients communicate better, find the love they want, and create relationships of significance. Contact Roland at 800-974-3692 or to determine if coaching is right for you.

Monday, June 27, 2011

5 Steps to Taking Back Your Integrity

Most men and women in business are astute when it comes to watching out for integrity. They want to know that everyone they deal with, hire, or promote is working from a space of integrity.
The word integrity conjures up images of politicians, business people and individuals in authority. It’s a blue ribbon that people feel a need to conquer.
How are you doing with your integrity? This isn’t the “am I being honest?” self check. This integrity is how you approach your work, your relationships, and your life. Do you let people walk all over you? Are you habitually saying yes when you mean no? How often do you hang up the phone feeling miserable because of how you let someone speak to you?
These are questions worth answering. Integrity isn’t only about truth and honesty. It’s about following your core values, establishing your beliefs, and measuring your behavior. Since integrity is closely linked to core values, why then do so few people actually live a way that exemplifies their core values? Two reasons: they either don’t know their core values, or they have a hard time living them in all circumstances.
Your integrity shows by how you live your values AND how you allow others to connect to those values.
What does it really take to be a person of TRUE integrity?
Here are 5 steps to get you and keep you on track:
1. Possess a Fundamental Knowledge of Who You Are. You need to know what you believe in and possess an understanding of your capabilities. This happens when you are challenged and face overwhelming circumstances. It’s how you deal with these circumstances that defines your character and sets you apart from the rest. Be open to a new level of self awareness. Start identifying the character building situations that come along – then participate fully.
2. Write Out a Personal Vision Statement That Gives You Clarity About Your Beliefs. This will give you insight to where your belief system originated and what may need to change.
3. Be Responsible For Your Personality. You are accountable for the affect you have on people. Find Your Number One Strength. It may be an appreciation, a skill, a talent, a desire. Search until you find that ONE thing that gives you courage, reflection and peace.
Once you discover that strength, answer these questions: How are you using it? What benefits are you getting with that strength? How can you make it stronger?
4. Re-Design a Life That Aligns With Who You Really Are. Welcome the growing pains of this process. Learn from each step forward and every step backward. Know that the difficult times, where you feel the most resistance, are the opportunities for the biggest learnings and opportunities for growth. Commit to daring to think, feel and act outside the box. Remove the obstacles that have become too familiar, stopping you from reaching your potential.
5. Identify Where You Are Not Being Truthful in Your Life. Restore that truth. Your mission is not where you currently are, but where you want to be.
The real question you need to answer is this: what have your life experiences taught you about yourself, your values, your belief system and what you are really made of? Then make note of how you’ve gone on to live in sync with this deeper knowledge.
Living with integrity is living courageously, to first recognize, then be who you are, while facing up to the challenges that life presents. Commit to increasing the pace and energy devoted to “integrity” exploration and expansion. Your integrity continues to increase as you evolve. Integrity is not static. As you grow, it upgrades.
Roland N. Gilbert
Roland works one-on-one – via phone and face-to-face – and with MasterMind Groups. Through Couples Coaching Roland helps clients communicate better, find the love they want, and create relationships of significance. Contact Roland at 800-974-3692 or to determine if coaching is right for you.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

5 Bad 1st Date Ideas!

Ladies have you ever been on a date that was so bad that you wanted to put him on Facebook and warn other women not to date him? We have all been on bad dates from time to time, and I have had my share too! Men, listen up, here are 5 bad 1st date ideas that you should avoid at all cost! If not, you will be alone for a very long time.

1. Taking a lady to a business meeting!!

Work and Play are meant to be separate. She is trying to get to know you not your title or company.  Try taking her to a happy hour or a park so you can really talk to her and find out her interests.

Save this for the 8th date or when you have her as your “girlfriend” or “wife”.

2. Taking a lady to your place!!

She could be crazy and some women like to be nosy and go through your stuff. What will you do if something goes missing or she decides to leave little things (shampoo, panties, or a razor) behind?

Save this for the 4th date when you know her and her intentions.

3. Bar Hopping!!

She wants to talk to you not her glass at throughout the night. Alcohol is great if you want to cut to the chase but it does not make you look sexy on a first date. Drink 2-3 glass of wine or hard liquor and STOP!!! So you can focus your attention on your date not what bar you are going to.

Save this for the long term dating or friends with benefits phase.

4. McDonald's

I love to eat food and I know it is a recession but when you take a lady to McDonalds, it leaves a sour taste in her mouth. McDonalds is great for cheap eating and a quick meeting with friends. But for a first date, it is a major turn-off. Try taking her to a restaurant and if you need to bring a coupon, let your waiter know in advance.  Or just wait until pay day, and look at your budget before taking a lady out on a date.

Save this for when you are both in love or when you are both really, really drunk.

5. Strip Clubs

This is a funny way to start off a relationship by taking a lady to see some other lady’s parts. The bad music mixed with the smell of funk and smoke may create a romantic setting for some ladies like Superhead. But ladies do not want to be in a shady environment where she cannot talk or look at you because you are drooling over the girl with the big booty. Strip clubs are fantasy lands that most ladies do not want to go to.

Save this for when you are both sexually adventurous or when you both are a serious couple.

This was not meant to be offensive but I am sure some ladies have experienced these bad dates at some point in their lives. I do not want men to believe that it is fine to give ladies a poor first impression of themselves. Men need to learn how to take a lady out and how to talk to a lady because a lady has more class than a girl. 

Ladies need to be treated with respect and kindness. Ladies should demand that respect by not going on these strange and depressing dates. Communicate with the date before you go out and let them know what your interests are. Do not let the man get away with taking you on a horrible date. Tell him how it made you feel and how you will handle the dating situation with him in the future.

Would you add anything to the list?

Let me know your thoughts below


Sedinam "Seddi" Kakrada is a Broadcast Journalism grad student at UNLV with a B.A. in Communication. Seddi has combined her two favorite topics, sex & communication and is striving to become the first African-American "Dr. Ruth".Seddi hails from Annapolis, MD, and looks forward to answering your questions and helping you succeed!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Do You Feel Secure?

I recently worked with a young woman we'll call Angela. When she was a child is seemed that nothing she ever did was good enough for her mom. Her mom worked two jobs to keep a roof over their heads, and had little time for the emotional "stuff" Angela needed. With her dad randomly in and out of her life, she was never sure which way was up! Her mom never hesitated to correct her when she did something wrong; yet her mom never felt the need to commend her either, no matter how hard she tried.

As you might guess Angela grew up with a self-esteem problem. Even though she’s now married, has two small children and a loving husband, she still feels insecure. Do you know anyone like Angela?

We all want to feel secure

Every limiting emotion that is not due to a chemical imbalance is due to feelings of insecurity. From ancient civilizations to the new millennium, human history is a reflection of mankind’s inability to fill their need to feel safe.

The desire for security is the granddaddy of all human emotions. Every person on the planet has an inherent and insatiable desire to feel safe and secure. And efforts to fill this desire shape the actions of individuals and the course of world events.

Just as the Earth is in orbit around the sun, human behavior revolves around the need for emotional security. Wanting to feel safe and secure is closely tied to our sense of survival. This explains its position atop all other emotions.

It all boils down to our beliefs

Even though the scope of this problem is huge, there are actually simple solutions. By modifying a person’s belief systems and adjusting the signals they are sending to their nervous system, amazing transformations can occur.

I’m happy to say that Angela has overcome her challenges. She was able to get to the root of her issue and see that the way she was feeling was not her fault. She was "programmed" for insecurity and relationship issues with men from an early age. She sought after "toxic" approval all of her adult life and never understood why she couldn't break the cycle of dependency and insecurity.

She finally has the approval she was so desperately seeking. Learning a few simple coping skills had a big impact on the quality of her life. You see, Angelina figured out that the small cost of coaching was insignificant compared to the pain created by her limiting beliefs. She got her life back and that is something you just can’t put a price on.

We are all damaged goods to one degree or another

We all react differently to the challenges that life throws at us, but none of us is immune. However, with the right coping skills in place, we can learn to view life in a way that shifts our perception in a very positive way. For some, creating this shift might seem almost impossible, but that too is just perception.

All of us has the ability to determine our own response to any sort of experience. In most cases, with the right skills, we really can choose the meaning of everything that happens to us and this gives us the ability to essentially create our own reality.

The circumstances that plague us from time to time are usually not within our control, but how we walk through life is! Ignorance is not about NOT knowing something, Ignorance is about NOT WANTING to know!

What skills help you to cope with life’s challenges?

Think. Grow. Live!

Roland N. Gilbert

Roland works one-on-one – via phone and face-to-face – and with MasterMind Groups. Through Couples Coaching Roland helps clients communicate better, find the love they want, and create relationships of significance. Contact Roland at 800-974-3692 or to determine if coaching is right for you.

Monday, June 20, 2011

5 Steps to Stop Talking Yourself Into Stress!

Are You Talking Yourself Into Stress?
There is a constant conversation that goes on inside our heads which is a big part of what causes us to feel the way we do, both happy and sad, angry and calm. It’s often called our “self-talk”. If you pay more attention to this conversation, you will probably notice, as I did, that a high proportion of it is negative. A lot of it is either critical of yourself, or critical of others.
What Is That Inner Voice?
From birth (and maybe even pre-natally) we receive messages from the world outside of ourselves through our five senses. Things that happen to us, things that we hear and feel and things that we see, are all recorded. Each of these messages is permanently stored in the brain, in our subconscious mind, and from then on we repeat these messages to ourselves. So literally, the little voice in our heads is talking to us on the basis of the messages that our recorded in our subconscious.
The Subconscious Mind Doesn’t Judge
The problem is, that the subconscious mind doesn’t have the power to judge and filter the messages that are recorded: that is the job of the conscious mind, which is under-developed during childhood. So what happens is that all messages get through, both positive and negative, empowering and dis-empowering.
The Law of Repetition
The Law of Repetition states that whatever is repeated is reinforced, so those messages that we hear over and over again, will become deeply embedded in our subconscious and part of our belief system. These then become the “rule book” as it were that we live our lives from.
Dysfunctional Parenting Leads To Disempowering Beliefs
Now that would be all good if we all had perfect, loving, balanced parents; but most of us don’t, most families are dysfunctional in one way or another. So most of us have been programmed with beliefs like:
“I’m not important”
“I’m not worthy of……..” fill in the blank!
“I’m not attractive”
We Become What We Think And Believe
What we need to understand is that every thought we think and every word we utter is a creation, it makes our experience of life; so based on the dis-empowering programmes in our subconscious mind, we say these things to ourselves, and create an existence that we don’t want, but we have unknowingly created. This can be the reason why many of us struggle over years and even decades with our weight for example, because we have beliefs and programmes in our subconscious mind that sabotage any attempts at weight loss that we might embark on.
The Good News!
The good news is that it is possible to re-programme our self-talk; and we use the law of repetition to do it. Experts say that it takes 21-30 days to break or make a habit and there are tools to help us repeat the new self-talk over and over again.
Five Steps To Success
There are five steps that are needed to re-programme our self-talk. But a pre-requisite is that we must have desire. If we just go through this process to please others it will not work. There needs to be a deep desire within you for change; a dissatisfaction with where you are now, an “enough is enough” attitude!
Step 1 – Identify Your Disempowering Beliefs
This is self-evident, that in order to change a belief you need to become aware of it. You can do this by looking at which areas of your life are challenging, or which actions or situations are causing you unpleasant feelings. Look at the beliefs that underlie those actions. It may be that an action appears to go against someone else, but if it produces guilt, shame or unhappiness, it goes against you too. This is because we are all joined on the deepest level of the universal field of energy, therefore when you inflict ill will on another, you really hurt yourself.
Step 2 – Make A Commitment To Change
This process is not an easy one; it requires real commitment and determination. The payoff though is awesome: a happier, more fulfilling and successful life which both you and all those around you will benefit from.
Step 3 – Re-write The Self-Talk
Once you have identified some beliefs that are not giving you the experience you want, you can re-write them and turn them into positive empowering statements. For example: “I’m not important” could become “I am a unique and special human being with my own wonderful gift to bring the world”
Can you see how that new belief has a wonderful uplifting emotion attached to it, it excited me just typing it!
Step 4 – Repetition
We need to keep repeating the new self-talk to ourselves as often as possible; at least daily. There are several ways to do this:
*Make a recording of your new script and listen to it every day.
*Write your new script down and re-read it daily.
*Make a short slide show using photos alternated with your new self-talk.
*Make a vision board with pictures and your new beliefs.
Step 5 – Add The Power
To make these methods really powerful, you need to add emotion. You need to try to feel the emotions you would feel if it were true now. For example, if you believed you were a unique individual with your own special role and gift to bring the world, how would that make you feel? Feel that now, close your eyes and really go there in your mind, the emotions will come.
We are what we think about, so let’s think about stuff that makes us feel good. Improving yourself in this way is the best gift you can ever give to yourself and your family. I know my family and children certainly prefer the new me!
Think. Grow. Live!

Roland N. Gilbert
Roland works one-on-one – via phone and face-to-face – and with MasterMind Groups. Through Couples Coaching Roland helps clients communicate better, find the love they want, and create relationships of significance. Contact Roland at 800-974-3692 or to determine if coaching is right for you.