Monday, November 28, 2011

How to Keep Your Relationships Fresh & New!

How does a relationship that started out like a whirlwind romance end up being a source of confusion and unhappiness? Is there anything you can do to safeguard that special bond that initially attracted you to one another? What is the quickest way to turn things around and rekindle those special feelings if they seem to be disappearing?
These are just a few of the questions commonly asked by concerned couples feeling the squeeze of increasing stress on their relationship. Have you ever struggled with these or similar issues?
Let’s look at a few reasons why a good relationship can become challenging and what you can do to prevent, or even reverse,  this trend. Considering three specific aspects of our personal perception can help us see the bigger picture and make any adjustments that might seem appropriate.

The role of focus, filters and priorities

How we view our world and the people in it has everything to do with our perception. Regardless of how objective we might think we are, our personal version of reality is heavily influenced by what we focus on, how we filter that information, and the way we set our priorities.
Not only will the settings of these three factors determine our perception, they will also determine how we respond to the world around us. This is especially true in the way we interact in our closest relationships.  Those closest to us are always the ones who see our true colors.

Adjusting your settings for added joy

By making adjustments in our focus, filters and priorities we can literally transform what we bring into a relationship and what we receive from it. So, let’s work with these three components of perception and see how we can tweak them for a richer and more meaningful relationship experience.
1. Adjusting your focus. Remember what you used to focus on when your relationship was new? Remember how much joy that brought you? That’s because focus is the most powerful way to adjust our impression of reality. When your relationship was new you made it a habit to focus on all of your partner’s amazing qualities. No matter what else was going on in your life, being together was so wonderful that you always looked forward to it with eager anticipation and you never allowed the cares of life to dampen your time together.
How about now? Are you still focused on those amazing qualities or has your attention drifted to their faults and shortcomings? When you are together do they still get your undivided attention and admiration or has the stress of life overshadowed the way the two of you interact? See the difference focus makes? So, what can you do about it?
Solution. Make a conscious and consistent effort to recapture the same kind of focus that got your relationship rolling in the first place. Turn your attention to those amazing qualities and away from anything that doesn’t feed your sense of joy and appreciation. If you focus on the positive your perception of, and your response to your partner will shift. In turn, they will respond to you accordingly. Circular Relationships are based on cause and effect. If you change the cause the effect will change also.
2. Adjusting your filters. When you first got to know each other, did you find your partners little "idiosyncrasies" irritating or entertaining? Did you see their unique personality traits as refreshing or strange and in desperate need of refinement? Your view of your partner has always been up to you. You are the one who chooses which filters to look through.
If you are looking through a critical or judgmental filter you will see things that you don’t appreciate. If you are looking through a happy, grateful filter you will readily notice more and more reasons to find delight in your partner’s unique attributes. Your attitude is your filter and a positive attitude based on love and appreciation can filter out many of the little annoyances that might rob you of the joy you both deserve.
Solution. Stick with the filters that you used when your relationship was the most positive part of your life. When you combine a positive focus with a positive attitude it starts a chain reaction that can bring a great sense of joy and satisfaction into your relationship. No matter what happens in other areas of your life, always do your best to greet your mate with a loving, positive, appreciative attitude.
3. Adjusting your priorities. When your relationship was at the "" stage, where was it positioned on your list of priorities? Where is it now? Is it still at the top of the list or have other things been getting top billing lately? When I talk about priorities I am not referring to how your time is divided. I am talking about what is most important to you. Most of us spend more time working than we do interacting with our partner, but which one owns your heart? That’s what defines your priorities.
If our relationship is our top priority we will make time for it and won’t allow the other concerns of life to squeeze the life out of it. And we won’t do this solely out of a sense of responsibility; we’ll do it because we want to. We’ll do it because our relationship means more to us than anything else and because that is where our heart is.
Solution. Take the time to evaluate your true priorities in life and see if your lifestyle supports your relationships position at the top. Don’t make excuses or deceive yourself while evaluating your situation because that will prove costly. If you are not sure, ask your partner, but don’t get all upset if you don’t like their answer. Next, make any needed adjustments to establish your relationship as your number one priority. When both partners know that the relationship comes first it does amazing things to the way they interact with each other. Isn’t that what you both want?

Go make it happen!

Use these three keys to unlock and maintain the joy and freshness that comes from a truly meaningful and satisfying relationship. Obviously, you can’t control how your partner acts, but you can give them every reason to respond to your efforts in a way that empowers you both and brings a lot of fresh, new joy into your world.
How do you keep the "freshness" alive in your relationships?
What keys would you add to these three?
Think. Grow. Live!

Roland N. Gilbert

Roland works one-on-one – via phone and face-to-face – and with MasterMind Groups. Through Couples Coaching Roland helps clients communicate better, find the love they want, and create relationships of significance.
Contact Roland at 800-974-3692 or  to determine if coaching is right for you.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Can a Relationship Successfully Overcome Infidelity Part III: Rebuilding Your Relationship

Seeing The Relationship Through

Dealing with infidelity is one of the most trying situations a couple or family can deal with. After the fact, there are only two roads which you can take. You can either try to forgive and rebuild your relationship, or you can let the relationship go completely and start anew, taking with you this life lesson. Staying with your partner and condemning them to a life of ungodly scrutiny, mistrust and relentless torture will not serve you. To stay in the relationship without forgiving your partner fully will act only as a life sentence of 'less than.'

In the beginning, you will feel as if you must control your partner's every move in fear of them cheating again. It is so important that you completely resist this urge! Understand that this is their chance to display to you that they are worthy of your forgiveness. If they truly want to live their life beside you, no temptation in this area will be worth sacrificing your life together, or the second chance that you have given them. If they are serious about making amends and making things work, they will fully understand the mistake they made and the torture that they created for you. If this person chooses to do this again, they are not worthy. Take comfort that the next time you will know what to do. There is no third chance in this scenario. You simply deserve better.

On the other hand, when a person truly wants to do something, they'll find a way to go about it. Understand that your partner has free will. We all do. If your partner isn't in it for the right reasons, your attempts to control them won't work anyways!  They will only serve to make you feel and appear pathetic. Know that your strength in wanting to save this relationship knows no bounds and does not deserve to be soiled with constant suspicion and worry. Leave it to God and fully open yourself to the journey that is about to unfold before both of you.

If you feel you must leave because you cannot see ever being able to trust your partner again, you will need to end the relationship. If you stay without completely forgiving, the agony that you will suffer moving into the future will be much more powerful than the destruction you felt when you discovered the betrayal. The difference will be this time YOU will be the at fault for damaging yourself this way. The decision to shut down this relationship should be made only after you can think rationally again, and hopefully after you and your partner have had enough opportunity to communicate with each other about the future. Counseling may also help you arrive at a realistic decision. The severity of this decision is one that will ultimately change your family in the most profound way.

Remember this. No one has the right to think any less of you because you could not forgive and forget; many people do not possess the ability to let something of such a large magnitude go. The destruction has sunk in too deep for there to be any light at the end of the tunnel.

However, if you do want to see the relationship through, please know that it IS possible! You've invested love, time, and effort into this relationship. It is well within your rights to want to protect your investment! There is something magical in wanting to salvage the beauty and love that came before. In this disposable society, know that your partner does not have to be one of those things thrown away like a snotty Kleenex.

Rebuilding A Loving Relationship

Some days will be easier than others. Some days will be so hard that you want to run for the hills never to be seen or heard from again. The only thing you can do is take each day, each hour, and every minute as it comes and keep your goal in mind: a harmoniously passionate and love filled life with your partner and a certain victory that you will claim for the rest of your life.

Regaining your foothold on life and rebuilding your love after infidelity is much like pursuing a brand new romance. You will get to know each other again, hopefully on a much deeper, more spiritual level. You will spend romantic evenings together and open yourselves to making love to each other with an intensity you have never known before now.  Each kiss will hold meaning and emotion. Each glance will provide an open window into the soul of the person that has decided to stand shoulder to shoulder with you in this lifetime.  You each will make sure that your time together will be a priority, not an afterthought.

This act of infidelity was a bump in the road. In the big picture of life, what does it mean? It means that people are human. It means that this is your chance to move forward to a love that will certainly stand the test of time. When you BOTH are willing to pour the necessary effort into rebuilding your love and trust, you will make it work.

Love Coaching

Love coaching can be an extremely effective antidote to mending your broken heart and strengthening your bond. Book an initial consultation with a reputable professional and, if you're comfortable with their techniques, schedule a weekly session. With this support you will be able to tap into each other's most reserved feelings and get to know each other all over again. This is a perfect opportunity to allow your deepest desires and your most erotic fantasies to come into play. This is not the time to hold ANYTHING back. You are creating now, the love life that you desire and most certainly deserve. Be bold and clear about your expectations moving forward. Know that you must leave the meek or non-communicative you far behind.

Strengthening Your Relationship

Now is the time to rev up or revamp your sex life by indulging in each other to the fullest extent. Your open sensuality will be a beacon of hope and fulfillment.  Try new techniques. Strengthen your bond by exploring new ways of making love or simply by spending more quality time together.  Understand that now more than ever, small gestures are crucial in both partners feeling appreciated and cherished.

Here Are 10 Activities To Rekindle The Romance:

1. Schedule a weekly date night. Do not wait for your calendar to open up…make this an absolute priority. Schedule everything else around this night.
2. Make sure that you connect with your partner verbally every night. Find out how their day was. Care about how their day went.
3. Sincerely praise one another in private and in the presence of others.
4. Surprise each other with small, thoughtful gifts.
5. Cook a home-cooked meal together. Consider this time of meal preparation as an opportunity to provide sustenance to your minds as well as your bodies.
6. Treat each other to weekly massages. The touch and feel of this connection goes way beyond the relieving of tired muscles.
7. Have sex at least 3 times per week. Whether it be a full on production with candles, incense and music, or a "drop it like it's hot" moment after the kids have left for school, do not fall back into the routine of your life that deprived you from the fire that you have for each other.
8. Take a romantic trip. There is nothing more that can be said about staying in bed for days at a time, nourishing yourselves with room service, and each other. Drink from one another, taste the divine together agin.
9. Visit the place where you had your first date or were proposed to. Recapture those precious moments that were in the past, before the damage occurred. Honor these places and times as they deserve to be. These times did not go away, they were hidden and shadowed.
10. Have fun in life! The worst thing that could happen to a couple has already come to pass…begin to ignite each other by nourishing your life visions. Help each other to dream, to laugh, to become
By putting all these activities back into your lives, you just may feel like newlyweds again. The aim would be to hold this new level of love against all odds. Keep it held close and protect it from the perils and mundane routine of daily life and of the intimidating stressors which will always be present. Know that as humans, all anyone wants is to love and to be loved.

The only way to overcome infidelity is to truly re-dedicate your life to one another. Your partner and your life together should be your main priority. Investigate and help flourish their dreams. Take full responsibility for each other. You have been put together and have remained together for a reason. Honor God and this always! Whether you've been married for 20 years or have been dating for just 8 months, by taking it one step at a time, you can successfully overcome infidelity.

Realize this: at the end of your time here on earth nothing will mean more to you than knowing that you and your partner have invoked the spirit of absolute forgiveness and the bond of an eternal love. 

Love is all that matters in the end.

Think. Grow. Live!

Roland N. Gilbert

Roland works one-on-one – via phone and face-to-face – and with MasterMind Groups. Through Couples Coaching Roland helps clients communicate better, find the love they want, and create relationships of significance.
Contact Roland at 800-974-3692 or  to determine if coaching is right for you.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

5 Things All Salespeople Fear & How to Conquer Them!

The expression, "He could sell ice to an Eskimo," acknowledges that certain people are born salespeople.
For most salespeople, however, the selling process is anything but easy. In fact, when it comes to pitching their product or service, many salespeople struggle with any number of issues, including lack of confidence in themselves or their product, fear of failure and fear of closing the deal. The good news: Experts say these fears can be overcome with the proper attitude, training and practice!
Here are five of the most common fears about selling and how they can be conquered:
Fear No. 1: You will make a negative first impression
We all know how important a first impression is, and the fear that you will not make a good one can be intense. It may even make you avoid meeting ideal prospects.
How to overcome it: Show credibility through your appearance and nonverbal behavior. Research shows that people are attracted to others who dress like them. If your audience is school-aged girls, you may wear hot pink or purple, or if your audience is conservative business suit types, you may wear a suit with a bright shirt or tie, something that also shows your personal style. Focus on nonverbal behaviors like smiling (though not a "perma-smile"), eye contact and open posture, and be sure not to fidget and play with keys or other objects.
Fear No. 2: You will be rejected 
Experienced salespeople know they aren't going to be successful 100 percent of the time, but newcomers may regard failure as the end of the world. Joe Stewart, owner and general manager of Danco Transmission in Fairfield, Ohio, remembers attempting his first sale at age 21. "I almost turned white with fear from what might happen if they said that awful two-letter word we all despise as salespeople, 'No,'" he recalls.
How to overcome it: Professionals not only know rejection happens, they look forward to it! Understanding the reasons behind a rejection can help you refine your product and presentation. For me, the only way to beat that fear was to confront it. The more I did it the better I became at it, and less fear was the result.
Fear No. 3: You'll come across as pushy
We've all had at least one negative experience with a salesperson who kept pushing and pressuring and wouldn't let us leave or hang up the phone. Many business owners worry they'll make prospects feel that way.
How to overcome it: Focus more on having a conversation with someone than simply selling. Learn the prospect's needs and ask yourself if what you're offering is of real value to that person. When you care about your prospective customer and develop a sense of trust, you're more likely to make the sale. My first customer let me know that at first they felt uncomfortable due to the horror stories they had heard about other advertising firms. But that quickly subsided after speaking with me because I made them feel as though they were family.
Fear No. 4: You won't deliver
 Even when you do get a yes, you may fear you won't be able to fulfill all of the person's expectations. You may even suffer from the "Impostor Syndrome," which means you're starting to question the value of your own products.
How to overcome it:  Gathering feedback from customers and taking note of all the ways you have delivered. That approach helped Christine Buffaloe, who started Serenity Virtual Assistant Services, an online business management service, in 2005, and feared people would think she wasn't worth what she was charging. Buffaloe says she gained confidence from reading the testimonials on her own website. "Continuously look for ways to improve your services so you are sure you're providing optimal value," she adds, "and you will always be confident in your abilities."
Fear No. 5: You don't know if you're doing it right.
Going into sales without any training can be terrifying. How do you know you're using the right tactics and offering people what they need?
How to overcome it: I recommend learning sales techniques by attending a training program! When Tanner Shepard co-founded Austin, Texas-based Ranch Road Creative Solutions, a marketing services provider, in 2005, was thrust into a sales role and gained confidence only after an intensive weekly sales course. "I had to challenge myself out of my comfort zone," he says. 
People don't really like being sold to, but everyone loves to buy.  In order to become a better salesperson you must lose your fear of selling and become good at uncovering your prospects' underlying motivations, along with their perception of the economic value of your offerings.  If done correctly, your prospects will end up selling themselves on why they should buy from you!
Can you add anything to the list?
Think. Grow. Live!
Roland N. Gilbert
Perennial Consulting Group is a management consulting, coaching and sales force development firm that focuses on overcoming fear and other limiting beliefs and creating empowering solutions so that individuals can live out their passions. Roland consults privately with many organizations and senior executives in the areas of sales force development, sales training, peak performance, profit improvement, teambuilding and personal development. A dynamic and powerful speaker, Roland facilitates seminars internationally and has developed programs for top level executives in major companies. Contact Perennial Group today and see how we can assist you in doing business, and doing that business...better!

Can a Relationship Successfully Overcome Infidelity - Part II Coping With Pain

Whether you are planning on remaining with your partner or jumping into the reality of leaving the relationship, coping with your pain is an absolute necessity in order to give yourself a fresh start. Of course, there are both productive and unproductive ways to deal with your pain. To get clear, we can discuss the unproductive methods of coping with this devastation. These are "numbing" mechanisms that will actually do more harm than good in the long run.  Although these actions may relieve some of the pain, they are only masking the situation.

Unproductive Methods Of Coping With Pain

๏ Drinking Alcohol
๏ Binging on food
๏ Chain smoking
๏ Taking drugs
๏ Hurting yourself
๏ Hurting your partner
๏ Detailing the events to your children or family
๏ Becoming destructive to your environment

It's true that everyone needs a way to release this vicious cycle of emotions, doubts and fears. Choosing unhealthy, dangerous and potentially life threatening methods of coping with your pain will do more harm than good.

Although it may be the first line of defense that you can think of, avoid drinking alcohol and/or taking drugs.  You will not be in your right state of mind and you may do something you will regret later. Revenge is a sweet, addictive drug and is fueled by artificial calm. Furthermore, by exposing yourself to these indulgences you risk becoming dependent on drugs and alcohol as you major coping strategy!

Some may be accustomed to reaching for a bucket of ice cream and chocolate when we are stressed. Your immediate reaction may be to soothe the pain by binging on junk food with each day that passes. This is not a healthy outlet. Not only will you gain weight, but you will not look at yourself with respect or admiration. These things are easy bandages that cover up the pain and emotions that you must eventually let go of.

Hurting anyone, most definitely including yourself, is completely unacceptable, PERIOD! Violence will only complicate the situation and leave you with nagging regrets. Resorting to violence against their  possessions, their clothing, or your home is also a tactic that does not bring any lasting comfort. Do yourself a HUGE favor and be intelligent about the way you cope with your pain. Preserve your life and worry now about your dignity by writing off these excuses to sabotage yourself and the healing process.

Although one of your basic instincts will be to "get back at"  the person your partner cheated with, decide now that this will not change anything. What's done is done! We truly have no way of knowing the life of this other person We do not know the circumstances that led this person to get involved with your partner or what lies may have been told them. Writing threatening emails, making harassing phone calls, stalking this person, or worse, actual acts of violence against this person will be lost in the grand scheme of things. Realize that the "Karma truck" has already dumped a fresh load of crap for you to deal with and that you do not want to be the one with the shovel piling more and more on. Leave this person alone to their own destiny. Do not hit send. Do not dial the number. If you must, write a letter to this person, and burn it. Release it in ashes to the atmosphere. Honestly, they are not worthy of the intensity of your rage or hatred. Instead, take this intensity and refocus it as determination to heal for yourself, your children and even your partner!

Now, we can discuss the productive methods of coping with your pain.

Productive Methods Of Coping With the Pain

๏ First and foremost, attend to your spirituality!
๏ Nurture your body like you never have before
๏ Consult with certified professionals
Take care of yourself physically, have a shower, 
   brush your teeth, put on clean clothes every day.
๏ Seek online forums dedicated to overcoming infidelity
๏ Read relevant books, know that you are not alone
๏ Journal your feelings, get it out
๏ Confide in a SINGLE trusted friend
๏ As silly as it may sound, get a make-over

The best way to cope with your pain is seeking comfort from those who have gone through similar situations. Maybe you have a friend, family member, or coworker that has gone through this. If so, contact them and ask them to tell you how they dealt with the situation. DO NOT seek out someone who has not let go of or recovered from their own experiences. This will not help for both of you to dwell in the madness of it all. It may even do harm to the person that you seek advice from. You do not want them to have to relive the pain with you. If they are holding a vicious outlook toward their partner, this will only encourage negative feelings for you. Generally speaking, survivors like telling their untold stories of hardship and will be honored that you've turned to them for help.

If you don’t have a personal friend that can see you through this time, mingle online and in local organizations with those who can help. You'll often find forums online and local groups filled with members that are ready and willing to help you cope. The important thing to consider is that these groups do not discuss, examine or wallow in the events of the infidelity, but that they are determined to live a full life beyond the betrayal.

Explore your options. You can contact a professional, close friend, or a complete stranger online. The important thing is to get your feelings out into the open. On the flip side, if you prefer to keep your partner's acts private, simply journal your feelings. Journaling can help you express your emotions and think through different options. Journaling also provides you with the opportunity to converse with your spiritual side. Listen closely to what God is saying. This is your truth. There is always someone ready to listen to your troubles, even if that someone is just you.

Think. Grow. Live!

Roland N. Gilbert

Roland works one-on-one – via phone and face-to-face – and with MasterMind Groups. Through Couples Coaching Roland helps clients communicate better, find the love they want, and create relationships of significance.
Contact Roland at 800-974-3692 or  to determine if coaching is right for you.

8 Worst Reasons For a Man to Get Married!

Many marriages have ended in divorce because guys believed they were ready without having ever really considered what marriage entails. Most of these same men ignored their inner voice and walked down the aisle even when they sensed their relationship was doomed, only later to painfully discover that they made a terrible mistake. Marriage isn't something to be taken lightly, and a lot of guys walk into it for all the wrong reasons. The reasons below are some of the worst you can possibly use to get married. (in no particular order of importance)

1. Unplanned pregnancy

Getting married only because your girlfriend is pregnant is bad for everyone concerned, including the baby. You should/must be an active part of your child's life, but you don't have to be in a loveless, unsuitable marriage of convenience to do it. Kids do not make marriages work.

2. Financial reasons

A marriage built solely on money and materialism is like building a house on sand. When the wind blows, your marriage will crumble. If money is the motivating force in a marriage it is certain to be an empty, cold relationship without affection. Believe me on this one, I know!

3. Her looks
A beautiful woman may look pleasing to the eye and may have a body that is desirable, but at the same time might have a terrible personality that will make her very difficult to live with once the honeymoon is over. Deciding to marry a woman solely on the basis of her physical appearance could lead to a disastrous relationship. What a woman is like on the inside is always going to be more important than her outer beauty.

4. Family pressure

When family gets involved, whether it is pushing you to marry a certain girl or you are expected to marry a girl within a certain race or social status, there is a problem. Pressure from your family to finally tie the knot, provide grandchildren or someone to carry on the family name are never good reasons to get hitched. Determining if a woman is "wifey material" should not be a group decision.

5. You're tired of being single

It is certainly better to be single than settling for a woman you don't truly love and being miserable. Being the only unwed guy in the group may feel a bit awkward, but it's nothing compared to the agony you'll feel by getting hitched just to ensure that you're not the odd man out.

6. It seems like the next logical step

Although the logical sequence of a man's life usually includes starting a great career, buying a nice car and having a nice house, marriage doesn't always have to be one of the steps.Everyone takes different paths in life, and it's possible that yours doesn't necessarily include a walk down the aisle. 
 Some men are just not meant to be married especially if you can't stop being more in-love with yourself to love someone else! 

7. You owe it to her

Just because you’ve been with a woman for a long time, doesn’t mean that she is the one for you. In fact, some studies show quite clearly that the longer people date before marriage, the more likely they’ll get divorced.

8. Thinking you can make it work

There is a misconception that being married solidifies a broken relationship. On the contrary, it can actually emphasize what is wrong and create more problems in the partnership. When a man marries a woman because he wants to "fix", or "improve" her, there is going to be major problems.

Marriage is a sacred and God-given institution where by a man can legitimately raise a family, continue his bloodline and name. The vows given are to be kept, just like any vow, promise or agreement a man may make. A man is only as good as his word and that word should never be given frivolously.

Think before you act and save yourself (and her) years of  turmoil and strife!

Would you add anything to the list?

Think. Grow. Live!

Roland N. Gilbert

Roland works one-on-one – via phone and face-to-face – and with MasterMind Groups. Through Couples Coaching Roland helps clients communicate better, find the love they want, and create relationships of significance.
Contact Roland at 800-974-3692 or  to determine if coaching is right for you.