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Many studies say that men and women are naturally insecure. There is this constant need for self-validation, especially when two people are in a relationship. It follows then that the need for complete understanding and honest communication in a relationship is necessary in order for it to be sustainable and secure. However, there should also be limitations as to what a couple in a relationship should be able to take from each other. If the relationship is comprised of two insecure and immature people, it's better to sound the alarm and get out of that insecure relationship or seek help immediately!
Let's look at some of the main causes of an insecure relationship between people, how it affects the relationship, and some suggestions to improve what can be called an insecure relationship. In addition I have listed below some indications that a relationship can no longer be resolved, and that the insecure relationship must be terminated to avoid the drama the parting of the two persons involved is usually associated with.
Causes of an insecure relationship
The most common cause of insecurity that is cited in many psychological studies is the lack of certainty in oneself. A person who doubts his or her value becomes insecure. The person usually sees themselves only in relation to other people. They derives their affirmations from other people, and if this affirmation is not given, this person becomes more insecure.
Now don't get me wrong, it's only natural to feel insecure once in a while, in fact everyone has insecurities. When we feels insecure all the time, even when conditions do not in any way prove that he or she is lacking in something, the person's lack of self-confidence becomes apparent. Most of the time, an insecure person will try to hide things about himself or herself. They will act and think in the way that he or she feels other people will respect them, even if this means lying about themselves, all because of the lack of self-esteem. An insecure person is always fighting with themselves, he or she tends to fall into self-blame when things do not work out.
An insecure relationship is comprised of people who, as individuals, are already insecure before going into the partnership. A relationship becomes insecure when it is built on deception and jealousy, which are the qualities that insecure people often possess. For example, if a problem arises in the relationship, insecure people will blame each other. They will always act jealous of each other even if there is no reason to be envious. In an insecure relationship, the couple can also become deceptive and act jealous so that they can attract each other's attention. As already mentioned, insecurity stems from a lack of self-validation. Couples in an insecure relationship will demand this validation from each other, which becomes a problem because their demands can sometimes be absurd or impossible to fulfill.
An insecure relationship is comprised of people who, as individuals, are already insecure before going into the partnership. A relationship becomes insecure when it is built on deception and jealousy, which are the qualities that insecure people often possess. For example, if a problem arises in the relationship, insecure people will blame each other. They will always act jealous of each other even if there is no reason to be envious. In an insecure relationship, the couple can also become deceptive and act jealous so that they can attract each other's attention. As already mentioned, insecurity stems from a lack of self-validation. Couples in an insecure relationship will demand this validation from each other, which becomes a problem because their demands can sometimes be absurd or impossible to fulfill.
Sometimes, only one end of a relationship causes instability in a relationship. The woman, for instance, feels that the man does not think she is beautiful enough, even if the man tells her this is not true or gives her no reason to be insecure. Another example is when a man feels that he is not earning enough for the woman, or that he is not intelligent enough for a woman. In such relationships when only one person is the cause of insecurity, the other person is obligated to help his or her partner to overcome this feeling of low self-esteem. They must try to reassure their partner that he or she is satisfied with what the other is and can provide in the relationship.
How to stop being insecure
How to stop being insecure
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Self-affirmation begins with individual efforts. No amount of coaxing from other people or compliments from a partner can make a person completely secure about themselves, although such affirmations can definitely help an insecure person get over their issues!
An insecure person can begin self-validation by stepping out of themselves and take an objective stance about their capabilities and qualities. An insecure person sometimes feels that their qualities are not enough to satisfy other people. Such a person must try to dig into their qualities and tell themselves that what they can do and offer can be improved, but should still be enough for people to accept them. An insecure person should also surround themselves with loved ones who can repeatedly assure them that they have value and do matter.
For those involved in an insecure relationship, the first step towards becoming secure is to accept the fact that they are both becoming destructive to one another. A relationship should be something that brings out the best in people, something which is obviously lacking from an insecure relationship. If the couple decides to try to work things out, they have to:
- Be able to help themselves individually first
- Acknowledge that they have issues with themselves before trying to work at the relationship.
Most of the time, a couple who have security issues take a break from each other and try to fix themselves first before getting back together to save and rework the relationship.
Relationships where only one person is having trouble at being insecure, the other partner can help him or her effectively by listening and by being open to whatever the other has to say. The more mature partner should be able to package their words carefully, because the other partner, being insecure, can be very sensitive to harsh, even though honest, words. For some couples, it is more effective if they even draw a schedule for their talks, so that the insecure person feels that it is also their responsibility to become a better person in order to save the relationship! (Accountability!)
Other tips to get rid of insecurity
Relationships where only one person is having trouble at being insecure, the other partner can help him or her effectively by listening and by being open to whatever the other has to say. The more mature partner should be able to package their words carefully, because the other partner, being insecure, can be very sensitive to harsh, even though honest, words. For some couples, it is more effective if they even draw a schedule for their talks, so that the insecure person feels that it is also their responsibility to become a better person in order to save the relationship! (Accountability!)
Other tips to get rid of insecurity
For some people, taking up certain activities can help immensely in learning to get rid of insecurities.
- read inspirational books
- take up other hobbies
- enroll in classes that will improve their skills.
- meditate
- take up an interesting sport,
- or simply try to engage in activities wherein they can be alone and calm.
- quit habits such as smoking and drinking
The important thing to accomplish first is for an insecure person to become at peace with himself or herself, to look at his or her situation objectively, and to accept himself or herself completely for what he or she really is. The person must realize that validation comes from oneself and not from other people.
Insecure people should also try to remind themselves everyday about their positive qualities and think of ways to enhance them. Most of the time, insecure people have forgotten that they do in fact have positive qualities, therefore it is extremely important that their loved ones help in affirming those things.
Insecurity can be dangerous to a person and the people around them. However, as it is something that a person has created for themselves, getting rid of insecurity is extremely possible. A person simply needs to decide once and for all that he or she wants to pull themselves together and muster up the necessary courage and discipline to finally get rid of insecurity and pave the way towards a happy and satisfied relational life!
Insecure people should also try to remind themselves everyday about their positive qualities and think of ways to enhance them. Most of the time, insecure people have forgotten that they do in fact have positive qualities, therefore it is extremely important that their loved ones help in affirming those things.
Insecurity can be dangerous to a person and the people around them. However, as it is something that a person has created for themselves, getting rid of insecurity is extremely possible. A person simply needs to decide once and for all that he or she wants to pull themselves together and muster up the necessary courage and discipline to finally get rid of insecurity and pave the way towards a happy and satisfied relational life!
How has insecurity affected your relational life?
What ways can you help an insecure partner today?
Think, Grow. Live!
Roland N. Gilbert
Roland works one-on-one – via phone and face-to-face – and with Master Mind Groups. Through Couples Coaching Roland helps clients communicate better, find the love they want, and create relationships of significance. Contact Roland at 800-974-3692or rgilbert@perennialgrowth.com to determine if coaching is right for you.
