Is There a Difference Between Courtship and Dating?

What is the difference between dating and courting? Let me say first of all: Don’t get hung up on terms. It is possible to use the word date but not necessarily have the same understanding as my definition. I am giving you my definition of dating. If you say you date but don’t do what I define dating as being, then I feel you are practicing courting, although you might still use the term dating. My definition of dating is that it is a modern game where intimacy is practiced before commitment. It often involves romantic talk, holding hands, kissing, "making out", and oftentimes sex. Commitment never proceeds intimacy. You've heard the saying, "women use sex to get love, men use love to get sex." dating allows for each possibility!

The word "date" comes from the word "mate." It doesn't sound good to tell someone you are "mating" with Mr. X. You prefer to use the word dating. It sounds so much better, but in reality, dating and mating are sometimes the same. I looked up the word date in my encyclopedia and it said, "see Sex and Teenage." In earlier 1800s, young adults were expected to court with the intention of finding a marriage partner, rather than for social reasons. In the U.S., in the 1820s, the phrase 'date' was most closely associated with prostitution. Most women may not know this, but prostitutes TODAY ask: "do you want a "date". However, by the Jazz Age of the 1920s, dating for fun was becoming a cultural expectation, and by the 1930s, it was assumed that any to be popular you would have lots of dates. This form of dating, though, was usually less sexual than today, since pre-marital sex was not considered the norm back then.

Courtship  has usually been held to be a more Christian or religious form of relational interaction. It is the period in a couple's relationship which precedes their engagement and marriage, or establishment of an agreed relationship of a more enduring kind. In courtship, a couple get to know each other and decide if there will be an engagement or some form of agreement.Courtship generally takes the position that the two people have no physical contact at all (no touching, no hand-holding, no kissing) until marriage. Many in a courtship relationship will not spend any time together unless family members or friend's, preferably parents, are present at all times. In addition, courting couples state up front that their intentions are to see if the other person is a suitable potential marriage partner. Courtship advocates claim that courtship allows for the two people to truly get to know each other in a more platonic setting without the pressures of physical intimacy or emotions clouding their view.

There are problems inherent with both styles. For daters, spending time alone with a member of the opposite sex whom we find attractive can present temptations that can be very hard to resist. If commitment before intimacy it the goal, then "dating" will present MANY opportunities for failure! Just as with the courting couple, the parents of young dating couples should be involved in the relationship, getting to know their child’s "friend" and being a source of wise and discerning advice and guidance for both of them.

Of course, the courtship style presents its own set of difficulties. While many courtship advocates see it as the only choice for finding a mate, others find it oppressive and really controlling. In addition, it can be hard to find the “real” person behind the public face presented in front of the entire family or friend's. No one is the same in a group setting as he or she is one-on-one. If a couple is never alone together, they never have that one-on-one opportunity to relate and get to know one another in emotional and hopefully spiritual intimacy. In addition, some courtship situations have led to borderline “arranged marriages” by the parents and have resulted in resentment in one or both of the young people. 

The main point to keep in mind between the two is remembering what it is you are looking for. If you are looking for marriage (or at least engagement) then a "systematic courtship ritual"  (SCR) will better position you to achieve your goals with possibly less hardship and turmoil later in the relationship.  Women will need to raise their level of expectations and self-respect and rid themselves of the "attitude of desperation" as they reach more mature years. Men can only do what women allow them to do and the lower the self-respect you have, the lower the respect of yourself you will get! 

If, on the other hand, you are just looking to mate, then "dating" allows you the intimacy without initial commitment you seek and will position you to achieve your goals with possibly some hardship and turmoil later.

Do you have something to add?


Think. Grow. Live!

Roland N. Gilbert

Roland works one-on-one – via phone and face-to-face – and with MasterMind Groups. Through Couples Coaching Roland helps clients communicate better, find the love they want, and create relationships of significance. Contact Roland at 800-974-3692 or rgilbert@perennialgrowth.com to determine if coaching is right for you.

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