Today I want to discuss the “relationship characteristics” you should look for when identifying the person you’re in a relationship with and eventually want to marry. I want to specifically talk about 15 characteristics that are signifying factors that you’re marrying the right person.
Look for these 15 characteristics “before” getting married:
1. You’re Attracted to The Person Physically and Mentally – I wouldn’t marry someone who I wasn’t attracted to in some significant way. Now, everyone’s not going to marry an “intelligent supermodel”, but finding a person who you’re attracted to physically and mentally will “serve you well” throughout your marriage.
2. Loyal and Trustworthy – A good partner possess incredible loyalty.
"I believe if I was involved in a “fist fight” my wife would jump-in, even if I was winning; she’s that loyal" a client told me once (…not that I would advise this ).
In addition, a good partner is also trustworthy. They earn your trust, and they keep your trust.
3. They’re Different Yet the Same – It’s true that opposites attract, but it’s also true that birds of a feather flock together.
It’s okay that your partner is “spontaneous” while you’re “boring,” and it’s okay that you’re “disciplined,” while your partner remains a “free spirit.” These differences will bring balance to your relationship.
However, your core beliefs should remain the same. If you’re a devout Christian while your partner is a leader in the atheist movement, or if you and your partner have diametrically opposing beliefs on how a “family” should function, these foundational differences can destroy a marriage at the root.
4. The Lines of Communication Are Open – Have you ever had a conversation with someone, and at the end of the conversation you knew nothing about them. While this may not be a problem if you’re talking to a stranger, this should not be the norm within a relationship.
It’s okay to be private with strangers, but if you can’t be intimate with anyone, then there’s probably a reason why? Intimacy means, "In-to-me-see," and it’s requisite to the success of any long-term relationship.
Conversations should lead to deeper understandings of the person you’re with.
5. They’re Honest – This is an obvious one, I think.
It’s not enough to just have open communication; the communication must also be honest. If you catch someone constantly being dishonest, this is certainly a “red flag” that something is very wrong.
You should feel comfortable knowing that whatever your partner says is “true.” Unless you ask them, “Do the jeans make me look fat?”
6. They Like Spending Time With You – A couple once told me that they “broke up” because they got tired of being together “all the time,” but they recently decided to get back together, and now they’re getting married. I thought, “…that’s an interesting combination of situations…”
…You need to find someone who likes spending time with you, and who you like spending time with. Spending quality time together is why you marry someone to begin with, if you don’t want to be around your partner constantly, you should probably remain “single.” Hold out for someone who you love spending time with, and who loves to spend time with you.
7. They Prize You Above Everyone Else – Marry someone who values you above their friends. If you’re not valued above their friends, then their friends will have priority in your relationship…when a decision has to be made, you may be the last person asked.
You always want to be where you’re celebrated, not tolerated.
8. Their Life is an Open Book, and You Like What You’re Reading – You should be able to see patterns in your partner’s life.
Has the person always been very disciplined, lazy, aggressive, or nice? What are the positive and negative habits and patterns in this person’s life? Can you live with these patterns and/or habits?
Has this person previously been involved in 20 relationships, if so, what’s the pattern, what’s changed since the last relationship?
Life happens in cycles, discover the life cycles of your partner; make sure you’re excited about those cycles.
9. You Have a Lot in Common – You hang out in the same spots, you like the same things; you’re headed in the same direction. Why is this important? Because marriage is not the goal; it’s only the starting line of the race. You and your partner need to be headed in the same direction in this race.
People often get divorced and say, “we grew apart.”
It would be wise to discover where your partner is going before you marry them, and it would also be wise to know where you’re going.
If you don’t know where you’re going, and they don’t know where they’re going, we have a classic case of the blind leading the blind; both of you will end-up in a ditch.
Somebody said, “but I don’t know what the future holds”…the future holds what you plan for it to hold…what are your planning?
How many children are you planning, what kind of career are you planning, what kind of spiritual life are you planning, what are your life goals? Not that you’ll know everything in the present moment, but you should know a majority of the important things.
10. Your Friends Like Them – In other words, the “unbiased” people in your life like the person.
If none of your friends like the person you’re marrying, you may want to re-think your decision. Your friends sometimes see things that you are unwilling to see.
11. Their Motives are Pure – Look for a spouse who wants “you for you.” Someone with pure motives; they’re not trying to get something out of the deal. They’re not a vampire looking to suck your blood; they’re seeking to give. They’re not going to subtract from your life, they’re going to add to your life.
12. They Express How Much They Love You – Love is seen, love is action. If someone truly loves you, you will know it by their deeds, not just by their words.
Make sure your partner’s actions are indicative of someone who loves you. Their words should match their actions, and their actions should match their words.
13. They Don’t Believe in Divorce – Simply put, if divorce is an option for your relationship, then you have a much greater chance of getting a divorce. As a couple you must make the conscious decision to work through your problems.
14. They Give to You – They buy you things, no matter how small, or if they don’t have any money…they make dinner for you, give you foot rubs, they cater to you.
15. They’re Not Selfish – They desire to see you fulfilled. A good partner is concerned about your dreams, wishes and goals.
They are willing to work to ensure you accomplish everything you desire to accomplish!
In closing, I’ve written this article as a guide on identifying the signifying factors of an ideal partner, use the list as your gauge. However, don’t bother looking for these qualities, if you don’t first exemplify these qualities yourself, you will only attract what you are. You must be the first partaker of what you desire to receive.
Think. Grow. Live!
Roland N. Gilbert
Roland works one-on-one – via phone and face-to-face – and with MasterMind Groups. Through Couples Coaching Roland helps clients communicate better, find the love they want, and create relationships of significance. Contact Roland at or rgilbert@perennialgrowth.com to determine if coaching is right for you.
