How does a relationship that started out like a whirlwind romance end up being a source of confusion and unhappiness? Is there anything you can do to safeguard that special bond that initially attracted you to one another? What is the quickest way to turn things around and rekindle those special feelings if they seem to be disappearing?
These are just a few of the questions commonly asked by concerned couples feeling the squeeze of increasing stress on their relationship. Have you ever struggled with these or similar issues?
Let’s look at a few reasons why a good relationship can become challenging and what you can do to prevent, or even reverse, this trend. Considering three specific aspects of our personal perception can help us see the bigger picture and make any adjustments that might seem appropriate.
The role of focus, filters and priorities
How we view our world and the people in it has everything to do with our perception. Regardless of how objective we might think we are, our personal version of reality is heavily influenced by what we focus on, how we filter that information, and the way we set our priorities.
Not only will the settings of these three factors determine our perception, they will also determine how we respond to the world around us. This is especially true in the way we interact in our closest relationships. Those closest to us are always the ones who see our true colors.
Adjusting your settings for added joy
By making adjustments in our focus, filters and priorities we can literally transform what we bring into a relationship and what we receive from it. So, let’s work with these three components of perception and see how we can tweak them for a richer and more meaningful relationship experience.
1. Adjusting your focus. Remember what you used to focus on when your relationship was new? Remember how much joy that brought you? That’s because focus is the most powerful way to adjust our impression of reality. When your relationship was new you made it a habit to focus on all of your partner’s amazing qualities. No matter what else was going on in your life, being together was so wonderful that you always looked forward to it with eager anticipation and you never allowed the cares of life to dampen your time together.
How about now? Are you still focused on those amazing qualities or has your attention drifted to their faults and shortcomings? When you are together do they still get your undivided attention and admiration or has the stress of life overshadowed the way the two of you interact? See the difference focus makes? So, what can you do about it?
Solution. Make a conscious and consistent effort to recapture the same kind of focus that got your relationship rolling in the first place. Turn your attention to those amazing qualities and away from anything that doesn’t feed your sense of joy and appreciation. If you focus on the positive your perception of, and your response to your partner will shift. In turn, they will respond to you accordingly. Circular Relationships are based on cause and effect. If you change the cause the effect will change also.
2. Adjusting your filters. When you first got to know each other, did you find your partners little "idiosyncrasies" irritating or entertaining? Did you see their unique personality traits as refreshing or strange and in desperate need of refinement? Your view of your partner has always been up to you. You are the one who chooses which filters to look through.
If you are looking through a critical or judgmental filter you will see things that you don’t appreciate. If you are looking through a happy, grateful filter you will readily notice more and more reasons to find delight in your partner’s unique attributes. Your attitude is your filter and a positive attitude based on love and appreciation can filter out many of the little annoyances that might rob you of the joy you both deserve.
Solution. Stick with the filters that you used when your relationship was the most positive part of your life. When you combine a positive focus with a positive attitude it starts a chain reaction that can bring a great sense of joy and satisfaction into your relationship. No matter what happens in other areas of your life, always do your best to greet your mate with a loving, positive, appreciative attitude.
3. Adjusting your priorities. When your relationship was at the "bomb.com" stage, where was it positioned on your list of priorities? Where is it now? Is it still at the top of the list or have other things been getting top billing lately? When I talk about priorities I am not referring to how your time is divided. I am talking about what is most important to you. Most of us spend more time working than we do interacting with our partner, but which one owns your heart? That’s what defines your priorities.
If our relationship is our top priority we will make time for it and won’t allow the other concerns of life to squeeze the life out of it. And we won’t do this solely out of a sense of responsibility; we’ll do it because we want to. We’ll do it because our relationship means more to us than anything else and because that is where our heart is.
Solution. Take the time to evaluate your true priorities in life and see if your lifestyle supports your relationships position at the top. Don’t make excuses or deceive yourself while evaluating your situation because that will prove costly. If you are not sure, ask your partner, but don’t get all upset if you don’t like their answer. Next, make any needed adjustments to establish your relationship as your number one priority. When both partners know that the relationship comes first it does amazing things to the way they interact with each other. Isn’t that what you both want?
Go make it happen!
Use these three keys to unlock and maintain the joy and freshness that comes from a truly meaningful and satisfying relationship. Obviously, you can’t control how your partner acts, but you can give them every reason to respond to your efforts in a way that empowers you both and brings a lot of fresh, new joy into your world.
How do you keep the "freshness" alive in your relationships?
What keys would you add to these three?
Think. Grow. Live!
Roland N. Gilbert
Roland N. Gilbert
Roland works one-on-one – via phone and face-to-face – and with MasterMind Groups. Through Couples Coaching Roland helps clients communicate better, find the love they want, and create relationships of significance.
Contact Roland at or rgilbert@perennialgrowth.com to determine if coaching is right for you. www.perennialgrowth.com
