Can a Relationship Successfully Overcome Infidelity - Part II Coping With Pain

Whether you are planning on remaining with your partner or jumping into the reality of leaving the relationship, coping with your pain is an absolute necessity in order to give yourself a fresh start. Of course, there are both productive and unproductive ways to deal with your pain. To get clear, we can discuss the unproductive methods of coping with this devastation. These are "numbing" mechanisms that will actually do more harm than good in the long run.  Although these actions may relieve some of the pain, they are only masking the situation.

Unproductive Methods Of Coping With Pain

๏ Drinking Alcohol
๏ Binging on food
๏ Chain smoking
๏ Taking drugs
๏ Hurting yourself
๏ Hurting your partner
๏ Detailing the events to your children or family
๏ Becoming destructive to your environment

It's true that everyone needs a way to release this vicious cycle of emotions, doubts and fears. Choosing unhealthy, dangerous and potentially life threatening methods of coping with your pain will do more harm than good.

Although it may be the first line of defense that you can think of, avoid drinking alcohol and/or taking drugs.  You will not be in your right state of mind and you may do something you will regret later. Revenge is a sweet, addictive drug and is fueled by artificial calm. Furthermore, by exposing yourself to these indulgences you risk becoming dependent on drugs and alcohol as you major coping strategy!

Some may be accustomed to reaching for a bucket of ice cream and chocolate when we are stressed. Your immediate reaction may be to soothe the pain by binging on junk food with each day that passes. This is not a healthy outlet. Not only will you gain weight, but you will not look at yourself with respect or admiration. These things are easy bandages that cover up the pain and emotions that you must eventually let go of.

Hurting anyone, most definitely including yourself, is completely unacceptable, PERIOD! Violence will only complicate the situation and leave you with nagging regrets. Resorting to violence against their  possessions, their clothing, or your home is also a tactic that does not bring any lasting comfort. Do yourself a HUGE favor and be intelligent about the way you cope with your pain. Preserve your life and worry now about your dignity by writing off these excuses to sabotage yourself and the healing process.

Although one of your basic instincts will be to "get back at"  the person your partner cheated with, decide now that this will not change anything. What's done is done! We truly have no way of knowing the life of this other person We do not know the circumstances that led this person to get involved with your partner or what lies may have been told them. Writing threatening emails, making harassing phone calls, stalking this person, or worse, actual acts of violence against this person will be lost in the grand scheme of things. Realize that the "Karma truck" has already dumped a fresh load of crap for you to deal with and that you do not want to be the one with the shovel piling more and more on. Leave this person alone to their own destiny. Do not hit send. Do not dial the number. If you must, write a letter to this person, and burn it. Release it in ashes to the atmosphere. Honestly, they are not worthy of the intensity of your rage or hatred. Instead, take this intensity and refocus it as determination to heal for yourself, your children and even your partner!

Now, we can discuss the productive methods of coping with your pain.

Productive Methods Of Coping With the Pain

๏ First and foremost, attend to your spirituality!

๏ Nurture your body like you never have before
๏ Consult with certified professionals
๏ Take care of yourself physically, have a shower, 

   brush your teeth, put on clean clothes every day.

๏ Seek online forums dedicated to overcoming infidelity
๏ Read relevant books, know that you are not alone
๏ Journal your feelings, get it out
๏ Confide in a SINGLE trusted friend
๏ As silly as it may sound, get a make-over

The best way to cope with your pain is seeking comfort from those who have gone through similar situations. Maybe you have a friend, family member, or coworker that has gone through this. If so, contact them and ask them to tell you how they dealt with the situation. DO NOT seek out someone who has not let go of or recovered from their own experiences. This will not help for both of you to dwell in the madness of it all. It may even do harm to the person that you seek advice from. You do not want them to have to relive the pain with you. If they are holding a vicious outlook toward their partner, this will only encourage negative feelings for you. Generally speaking, survivors like telling their untold stories of hardship and will be honored that you've turned to them for help.

If you don’t have a personal friend that can see you through this time, mingle online and in local organizations with those who can help. You'll often find forums online and local groups filled with members that are ready and willing to help you cope. The important thing to consider is that these groups do not discuss, examine or wallow in the events of the infidelity, but that they are determined to live a full life beyond the betrayal.

Explore your options. You can contact a professional, close friend, or a complete stranger online. The important thing is to get your feelings out into the open. On the flip side, if you prefer to keep your partner's acts private, simply journal your feelings. Journaling can help you express your emotions and think through different options. Journaling also provides you with the opportunity to converse with your spiritual side. Listen closely to what God is saying. This is your truth. There is always someone ready to listen to your troubles, even if that someone is just you.

Next in the series: Can a Relationship Successfully Overcome Infidelity Part III: Rebuilding Your Relationship

Think. Grow. Live!

Roland N. Gilbert

Roland works one-on-one – via phone and face-to-face – and with MasterMind Groups. Through Couples Coaching Roland helps clients communicate better, find the love they want, and create relationships of significance.

Contact Roland at 800-974-3692 or rgilbert@perennialgrowth.com  to determine if coaching is right for you.

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